The Rift Effect
by Meer-Katnip
Summary: A time-hopping mystery, a civilization that shouldn't be where it is, and a boy and his tiger in the wrong universe- this was most definitely not how Bernice Summerfield was expecting to spend her week off.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This fanfiction is part of the Omniverse Event, a multi-fandom crossover story arc created by Golden Keyblade (link on my profile). It should be worth noting that this is _absolutely nothing_ to do with my Calvin Who universe. You shouldn't have to read any other Omniverse stories to understand this one, although I do encourage it (because Calvin's Quest is really good!).

Also, if you have no idea who Bernice Summerfield is- she's an archaeologist living in the far future. She travelled with the Doctor for a while, before a lot of complicated stuff happened. She eventually ended up living on a planet called Legion with the Doctor's sort-of brother (Braxiatel), Springheeled Jack, a girl called Ruth, and her son, Peter. It makes sense in context, I swear. Her range of books and audios are really goddamn good, so I urge you to get into them!

I think that's about it for now. Just a warning- I have no idea how often this story will be updated, since I have a lot on.

Allons-y!

Kitty

* * *

 **A message to Command**

 _The worst-case scenario has indeed come to pass. Rifts are spreading across the universes faster than we imagined. Tell Home Base to dispatch all available agents at once._

 _The Omniverse Event is under way._

* * *

"Irving Braxiatel," grunted a woman, struggling over a sand dune. "I swear to god, if I ever get out of this godforsaken _dump_ , and if I somehow make it back to Legion, and if by some divine act of intervention, I'm not completely and utterly dead by _then-_ "

She tripped, and fell into a sprawling heap on the ground.

"-I am going to _murder you,"_ she continued, as if nothing had happened, although her voice was slightly more muffled than before. She sighed, rather pointedly, and began to drag herself up, trying to ignore the fine grains of sand that were no doubt working their way through her clothes and into places where it'd be _very_ hard to wash them out. "Bloody manipulative gits and their bloody obscure plans to take over the known universe, and it doesn't help that he's so _goddamn charming_ most of the time-"

The woman in question was known mostly as Bernice Summerfield- Benny to her friends- and was in a foul mood, if it hadn't already been obvious. It didn't help that she was currently stuck on a planet with no food, no shelter, and nothing even resembling a good, stiff drink.

She tugged her comms unit out of her shoulder satchel, and sat down, flicking it on. A small icon appeared in the middle of the screen, indicating that the device was searching for a signal. After a moment, it found one and locked onto it tentatively. An old-fashioned telephone graphic blinked on the screen, and flashed a bright green.

"Come on," Benny muttered, shaking it irritably. "Hurry _up_ …"

The tiny machine bleeped indignantly, and a vidcall screen opened up.

"Benny!" exclaimed Springheeled Jack in delight. "What a _pleasant_ surprise!"

It's probably worth noting here that the Jack that was currently located in the White Rabbit Pub, somewhere in Legion City (which was where Bernice was calling to) _wasn't_ exactly the same Springheeled Jack that lurked menacingly in British folklore. Well, not really. He _had_ spent some time impersonating the famous menace, and doing it fairly well, which had been helped along by his otherworldly appearance. He wasn't human, that much was clear to anyone that looked at him. The red, glowing eyes were a bit of a giveaway, as were the pointed ears. The legs were a bit conspicuous, too, although you couldn't see them from Benny's current perspective.

He beamed up at her from the slightly grimy screen, revealing pointed teeth. "Having fun?"

"Not especially," she replied with considerable restraint. "Look, is Irving there? He and I need to have a little… chat."

Jack winked. "Oooh, lover's spat?" Before she could protest and/or deliver death threats, he tossed his comms unit carelessly onto a table, causing the view to tilt and shudder. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Give me a second or two. I'll have him on in a jiffy."

Benny had to endure a few seconds of staring at a high-definition image of the admittedly extremely fancy ceiling of the White Rabbit before someone else snatched up the line. The image warped, the speed of the images being a bit too much for it. The face on the other end was blurry and indistinct, before folding into another familiar face- and Benny brightened instantly when she saw who it was. "Ruth!"

"Hiya, Benny!" grinned the small girl. "How's your job for Irving going?"

She considered the question seriously for a minute. "Painful," she decided. "Also, fruitless."

"Ouch." Ruth winced in sympathy. "Business as usual, then?"

Benny smiled. "Pretty much. Is Peter in?"

"He's busy. But he said he'd be back in later. Call again in an hour or so, yeah?"

Benny tried her best not to look disappointed, and fervently hoped she was succeeding. "Yeah. Can you see Irving anywhere from where you are? I have a bone to pick with him."

The viewpoint on-screen bobbed back and forth as Ruth scanned the small crowd inside the pub. "No, sorry," she began, than turned abruptly. "Actually, hang on… yup, that's Jack- and Irving too- they're heading over this way."

"Hand this thing over to him, _now,_ " Bernice demanded instantly. Ruth, on the other end of the connection, tossed it through the air towards the two approaching men. Jack easily caught it, and handed it over to Irving.

"Bernice!" he greeted her cheerfully. "I trust you're enjoying yourself on Minas IV?"

On a very long list of things to say that would be classified as 'a very, very bad idea', that sentence came close to the top. Benny's eyes narrowed to dark slits. "I'm having a _brilliant_ time," she growled. "Especially since there's absolutely no one here at all. Oh, I _do_ love a bit of solitude."

Irving frowned. "I'm sorry, I don't follow."

"There are no life signs on this _entire_ planet!" Benny exclaimed angrily. "You've sent me on a wild goose chase!"

He gave her a hurt look. "Ah, Bernice, Bernice- would I do that to you?"

"Yes," she said firmly. "Yes, you bloody would, wouldn't you? I'm currently very angry, and the ship that dropped me off seems to have left suddenly and mysteriously. Do me a favour, and send the ship over to pick me up. If you do that, I probably won't kill you when I get back."

Irving sighed theatrically. "You really have such little faith in me. As it happens, I genuinely thought that Minas IV was a rich source of archaeological information, and I also happened to think you'd enjoy it. I must have got the timing wrong, and I do apologize."

Benny folded her arms and balanced the communicator on her knee, trying not to let him see that her anger was fading. "Right. Amazing. Send the ship, please?"

He was already tapping at a keyboard just off screen. He waggled a slender finger at her. "Use its proper name."

Benny scowled. "Do I have to?"

"Rudeness will get you nowhere, Benny."

"Fine. Send the-" Her face twisted up, as if she was about to eat something particularly disgusting. "-the _Irverfield_ to Minas IV. _Please,_ " she added with exaggerated politeness. "Better?"

"Much," he said, a trace of a smile flitting across his face. "Jack, Ruth, would you mind piloting it over?"

"No problem," Ruth said, getting up. "I was getting bored here, anyway. Jack?"

The red-eyed man yawned. "Why not?" He turned to the comms unit. "Benny, would you be a dear, and not land yourself in any world-ending situations before we get there?"

Benny childishly poked her tongue out at him.

"Ta," he said, and left, following Ruth. Benny turned her attention back to Irving.

"How long will it take them?" she asked him frankly. "I don't have any supplies of any sort, and there's no cover. It's just flat sand and desert galore."

Irving glanced over his shoulder to a gaudy clock ornamenting the wall. "A day or so. You should be able to survive that long, I trust?"

She scowled.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'," he interpreted, giving her what was probably meant to be a comforting smile. "Don't worry. It's not as if anything's going to go wrong, is it?"

And as everyone knows, that one sentence is usually all it takes for all hell to break loose.

Benny brushed hair out of her eyes. "Is it just me, or is it getting windier out here?" she asked to no one in particular.

It wasn't just her. A minute ago, it had been eerily silent- like a graveyard, almost. Now, it looked like the mother of all hurricanes was brewing.

"I think it's a sandstorm!" Benny exclaimed over the rapidly rising wind. The image on the comms unit was beginning to break up a bit, but Irving was still visible. He leaned forwards urgently.

"Bernice," he said, somehow managing to cut through the horrendous noise of the storm. " _Lie down on the ground, and cover as much of your body as possible._ "

She did so instantly, and without question, knowing (however reluctantly) that he was right. She folded her arms in front of herself, pressing her entire body into the horrible, itchy sand, and gripping onto the comms unit so hard that her hands were beginning to hurt. "What the hell's happening?"

"Well, how am I supposed to know that?" he retorted angrily, although she knew it was just a front. The audio was fading in and out. "Berni…look…ver…portal…"

"What?" she yelled.

"Portal!" he yelled pointedly, the screen going black for a moment, before coming back on. "Behind you!"

She looked over her shoulder with much difficulty, and saw a glowing white disc revolving in mid-air behind her. " _What is-_ "

"High amounts of radiation and temporal energy reading off it," he said, tapping furiously at a keyboard. "Get out of there. Now."

"I can barely walk, there's too much sand," she protested, already struggling to her feet.

" _Bernice._ For once, do not argue with me, and get as far as you can away- you do _not_ want to be there when whatever it is comes through."

Benny took his advice, and ran, stumbling through the haze of sand and dust, still gripping tightly to the communication device. She squeezed her eyes shut, even though there was sand in them already. She could feel the searing heat of- well, _something_ at her back, and doubled her pace.

There was a roar of something otherworldly, and some sort of light flashed three times, managing to be bright enough to be seen, even through her closed eyelids.

"Irving bloody Braxiatel," she yelled, fully aware that she probably couldn't be heard by anyone over the roaring wind, and even if she could, the communication link was failing. "If I die here, I swear to god, _I will come back and haunt you for the rest of your abnormally long life!_ "

Although she didn't know what it was at the time, the portal exploded, sending waves of temporal discharge and shrapnel across the length of the planet. Reality protested against the strain, before admitting defeat and warping into strange patterns with a whistling sound. The universe quietly rewrote itself, and shuffled back into place sheepishly, unwilling to admit to the rest of reality that it had been bossed around.

Bernice Summerfield didn't know any of that. All she knew was that she was suddenly being flung backwards through the air on the crest of a massive detonation that was probably scorching any exposed skin. She heard someone screaming and realized, belatedly, that it was her.

 _This is going to really, really, sting,_ was her last thought before she ploughed face-first into the ground.

It did.

Just before she lost consciousness, she could've sworn that she saw a small boy with spiky yellow hair standing over her, just next to a tiger-shaped object. But that was impossible, because there were no life signs apart from her on this planet.

Were there?


	2. Chapter 2

**Well, of course Irving would be used to Benny running into trouble wherever she goes, right? Of course he'd have a backup plan!**

 **That's my headcanon, and I'm sticking to it. :3**

 **~Kitty**

* * *

 ** _Chapter Two_**

"At the risk of sounding highly clichéd," said Hobbes dryly, kicking a rock as he and his six-year-old friend meandered along a busy street. "This is yet another fine mess you've got us both into."

Calvin frowned, not really offended, and skipped forwards two steps to keep up with the tiger's longer legs. "How is it _my_ fault? A yawning white portal spawned in our room, with not even a hint of provocation from me. I wasn't doing _anything._ I was reading a comic book!"

Hobbes nodded, conceding the point. "True, but it wasn't sucking anything into it. In fact, it was being completely harmless on its own."

They rounded a corner, keeping in time with each other perfectly. They were heading towards the large, golden dome in the centre of the city they had found themselves in- the grand architectural design is, nine times out of ten, where all the interesting things are.

"And your point is?" Calvin asked, examining his nails offhandedly.

"My point," said the bipedal tiger severely. "is that we would never have gotten into this mess if it weren't for you yelling 'HEY, LOOK, A BIG WHITE PORTAL-THING!', leaping off of your bed, and diving headfirst into it."

"You didn't have to follow me," Calvin pointed out, snatching a piece of fruit that looked vaguely like an apple from a tree that overhung the street. He bit into it, and grinned. "Tastes like raspberry."

Hobbes sprang up to grab another one of the fruit dangling overhead, and nibbled. "Nah, more like cherries, actually. And yes, I did."

"Yes, you did what?" Calvin asked, confused.

"Yes, I did need to follow you," Hobbes clarified. "You need someone to look after you, and keep you from getting in trouble."

"I never get into trouble," Calvin protested. "It just sorta… well, it leaps on me and beats me with a stick until I give in and get into it."

"For example," Hobbes continued, as if he hadn't heard anything. "We just both stole fruit from a tree that wasn't ours. If you have a look around, then you can see that there are patrols of police swarming the streets. Do you know what that says to me?"

Calvin glanced around. "…that we should have been arrested by now?

"Pretty much."

"But we haven't."

"Exactly."

Calvin ran a hand through his hair, making it spike up more than usual. "Weird." He finished his raspberry-cherry-apple fruit, and tossed the core over his shoulder. It sailed through the air, over some people's head, and hit a woman with a ridiculously high hairstyle directly in the eye. Calvin clapped his hands over his mouth. "Sorry!"

But she didn't react at all. Instead, she kept walking as if nothing had happened. Calvin and Hobbes exchanged puzzled glances.

"Bizarre," commented Calvin. "I guess we're on another planet or something where no one reacts to nearly getting brained with a piece of fruit."

The woman in question suddenly clutched her head and screamed. "WHO THREW THAT?!"

"Or…" Hobbes mused, watching in interest. "…maybe a delayed reaction? This whole place makes no sense."

They continued meandering towards the centre of the city, Calvin shooting guilty looks behind him at the woman who was making a really big scene. Hobbes tugged him forwards firmly. "Just leave it. If we hang around, we'll get in trouble."

"But no one seems to notice us," Calvin pointed out. "At the moment, I'm getting the impression that we could streak naked through the market square, singing the National Anthem, and they wouldn't bat an eyelid."

Hobbes raised a furry eyebrow. "I'm _already_ streaking naked," he reminded him. "And besides, I'm completely tone-deaf, and you know that."

They would have carried on, regardless, if it weren't for the sudden, violent, and unexpected arrival of a woman with short black hair crashing into the ground at high velocity a couple of metres in front of them. Hobbes doubled his pace, and dashed over to her, kneeling down to check if she was conscious.

"Hello… Miss? Miss Whovever? Can you hear me?"

She focused blearily on him for a moment, darted over to Calvin, who had just joined his tiger friend. "Must be dreaming," she mumbled, and her eyes rolled back in their sockets. Hobbes slapped at her cheeks frantically.

"Oh, _no_ ," he muttered.

"What's the matter?" Calvin asked anxiously, crouching a few metres away.

Hobbes rifled through the woman's pockets furiously, searching for something. "I only know what I know about medical stuff and such from that book your Mom got you, but as far as I can tell, she's bleeding internally. She'll either go into a coma, or die. WHY ISN'T ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION?!" he yelled suddenly at the people passing by on the street. As expected, they didn't even glance at him. He growled in fury.

Calvin scrambled over. "What can we do?"

"Help me look through her stuff. Mobile phones, distress flares, a big red banner that says 'HELP ME'; whatever we can use."

Calvin prised apart her hands. "She's holding something."

The 'something' in question was box-shaped in dimensions, and beeping urgently. A little box-shaped icon on-screen read ' _Call Incoming_ '. Underneath that was the name, ' _Utter Git'_.

Hobbes leaned in. "Press the 'accept' button," he suggested. Calvin did. The box's text blinked off, and it began to expand, forming the image of a tall, slim man with dark hair.

"Who are you?" he demanded as soon as the view was clear.

"I'm Calvin," introduced Calvin. "And this is Hobbes. You'd be… uh, Mr 'Git'?"

He blinked. "What?"

"'Utter Git'. That's what it says here. Isn't that your name?" Hobbes asked blandly.

His eyes closed for a second, and he looked like he was either trying to stop himself from bursting out in laughter, or keep himself from screaming. "No," he said after a moment. "That is not… my name. I'm Irving. Where's Bernice, and where are you right now?"

Hobbes tilted the communications device so the picture on the other end showed the unconscious woman. "I'm going to go out on a limb and say that _she's_ Bernice. She just fell from the sky and crashed on the side of the road." He paused. "We think she's dying. I'm sorry." He swivelled the camera around, so it pointed at him and Calvin again.

"As for the where," Calvin added. "We really have no idea, either. We came here by this really cool swirling portal thing that-"

Hobbes nudged him. "Calvin. Probably not the right time, yeah?"

"Sorry." He returned his attention to the small screen. "Is there anything we can do?"

Irving smiled thinly. "Yes," he said. "I rather think you can. You see, Bernice gets into these situations a lot, and we've become rather used it it. In her inside pocket, there should be a syringe with blue liquid in it."

Calvin fumbled about, and pulled it out. "Got it."

"Inject it into her neck, at the artery."

To his credit, Calvin managed to do the deed without his hands shaking too much. "Done. What now?"

"Check her other pocket. There's another syringe with an orange substance. Inject that one, too."

Hobbes took it out, and tossed it to Calvin, who plunged it in. Bernice gasped a breath of air suddenly, and sat bolt upright. " _Ow._ Ow, ow, ow, owwww-"

Irving smiled again, this time genuinely. "Welcome back. How do you feel?"

She spared him a glance. "Hi, Irving. _Ow._ In really severe pain. Ow. I feel like punching a goddamn _rhino_ right now, otherwise I'm going to scream- oh, hello, who are you two? And why's _he_ a tiger?"

"Calvin and Hobbes," introduced Calvin, pointing to each of them in turn. His eyes were still pretty wide. "You were just about dead a moment ago."

"Yeah," Bernice grunted, pulling herself into a seated position, and dusting herself up. "Yes, that's normal for me, but- I'm sorry, _tiger?_ "

Hobbes crossed his arms. "I'm sorry- _human_? That's being a bit racist, isn't it?"

She coughed weakly, and glared. "No, not like that. Tigers- all sorts, bipedal and otherwise- they died out centuries ago. How are you possible?"

"That's not the reaction we usually get," Calvin remarked, almost offhandedly. "We usually hear something along the lines of 'why are you talking to that stuffed tiger as if he was real?' This is new."

Bernice blinked. "He's not stuffed."

Before anyone could continue arguing, Irving smoothly interrupted. "I'm very sorry to break up this _delightful_ discussion, but could one of you please tell me where you are? Judging by the fact that there's people traipsing past behind you, I'd assume you're not on Minas IV anymore."

Bernice struggled to her feet, accompanied by quiet calls of concern from everyone present. "There's one way to find out," she said, and lurched across the road towards a girl who was selling roses at the corner of the street. They talked for a minute or so, and Bernice returned with a puzzled expression on her face.

"Well?" asked Hobbes, genuinely curious.

"Her name's Ciara, and she's invited me to stay with her," Bernice said, still wearing a slight frown. "You two too, if you want. But it's what she said about this planet…"

"Get to the point, please," said Irving testily. "My connection's breaking up here, and I would like to know where to redirect Ruth and Jack to, if it is possible to still pick you up."

"That's the thing," said Bernice. "According to her- and she seems like a very nice and trustworthy girl- we're still on Minas IV." She looked around at Calvin and Hobbes. "We're still on the same planet that I landed on."

There was a stunned silence.

"I think," said Hobbes carefully. "that you had better tell us what's been going on here."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

* * *

"Karri-fruit cake?" offered Ciara, cheerfully handing out plates. She was a short, slim woman with brown hair that was tied back into a low ponytail. She wore a plain white dress and simple sandals.

Hobbes accepted his cake slightly suspiciously. It looked like chocolate mud cake with what appeared to be worms squirming inside. Calvin eagerly dug in, taking particular pleasure in crunching the 'worms' between his teeth.

"Irving's still sending the shuttle here," Bernice said conversationally, casually declining the cake. "I have absolutely no idea if I've time travelled or something…"

"You could have been sucked through a wormhole," Calvin suggested through a mouthful of cake. "Or something. There's been a lot of them around our town lately- maybe they all lead around here?"

Bernice cradled a cup of something that was almost, but not entirely, unlike coffee between her hands, apparently not willing to take a sip until it was absolutely necessary. "I've been meaning to ask. Where, exactly, do you come from?"

"Earth," said Calvin promptly, adding quickly. "Early twenty-first century."

At this, Hobbes started suddenly, then buried his head in his paw. "Oh, _great._ I'm assuming that we're not in Kansas anymore, then?"

Bernice had made the connection, too. "Time travellers, then?"

"Occasionally," said Hobbes glumly. "And not because we _want_ to."

"Speak for yourself," retorted Calvin, gulping down the rest of his cake. "You're just a bit sissy."

Hobbes leaned across the table, eyebrows raised. "I'm sorry, _who_ are you calling a sissy? You're the one who squeals like a girl whenever I gently punt you across the yard!"

"You call that _gentle?_ " Calvin exclaimed. "I've had more gentle shots in the head! You, sir, are a maniac, and a disgrace to your race! You'd be better off in the zoo!"

"Excuse me," said Bernice to Ciara quietly, as the two continued to argue with rising volume. "Do you happen to have anything highly alcoholic or possibly detrimental to my general heath? I'm getting the impression that I'll need a general pick-me-up before this day is finished."

Ciara shrugged. "I do not know what half the things you speak of mean, but it _is_ pleasant to have some house guests at last. I will see what is in the cellar."

"Cheers," Bernice said, and banged on the table suddenly as their hostess left the room. "Oi! You two! Quit that!"

They both stopped, quite abruptly.

"We were doing it again, weren't we?" realized Hobbes, shamefacedly.

"Arguing inappropriately? Yes, pretty much. Now, listen up, _please._ "

They nodded in a subdued manner. Bernice sighed. "Right, then. We appear to have been dragged from various points of the universe-"

"Multiverse," Hobbes chimed in. Bernice blinked.

"Multiverse, fine, if you want. As I was saying, we've been dragged from various points of the multiverse to this planet, Minas IV. _I,_ personally, wasn't so much dragged as came here semi-voluntarily. Well, I say semi. Maybe I was manipulated or something, which I wouldn't put past that _person_ who claims he's my 'employer' or whatever rubbish title he's thought up this week-"

Calvin raised a hand tentatively. "Uh, Bernice?"

"You can call me Benny," she said, running a hand through her hair absentmindedly. "What is it?"

"You're rambling."

"Am I?" She frowned. "Oops. I really need to work on that. Anyway, my point is that these things don't often happen by coincidence, in my experience. In fact, 'coincidence' is a word that's been completely deleted from my vocabulary. I don't believe in coincidences, especially when they involve a five-foot tall talking tiger. So, let's start from the beginning." She leaned forwards. "I'm Professor Bernice Summerfield, archaeologist and general busybody. I came here on a holiday at the recommendation of my colleague, who I somehow suspect knew that something was going wrong here."

Calvin glanced over at Hobbes, and shrugged. "Okay, then. I'm Calvin, boy of _destiny-_ emphasis on the 'destiny' bit-, resident genius in my house, which isn't saying much, and Dictator-for-Life of G.R.O.S.S. ( **G** et **R** id **o** f **S** limy Girl **S** ). I came here by big white swirling portal thing, and I did so voluntarily."

Hobbes nodded. "I'm Hobbes, tuna-eater, and First Tiger of G.R.O.S.S., and I came here by the same method. Although not as voluntarily, _he_ made me do it."

Ciara returned from the cellar, with a dusty bottle tucked under her arm. "I was saving this for a rainy day. It is the strongest I have."

Bernice drained her mug of not-exactly-coffee-like substance, and tapped it with a fingernail. "Fill me up, then. Let's see how well your planet can do alcohol."

Ciara did so, and Bernice swirled it around for a second or so before tossing it into her mouth and swallowing. She grinned, wincing a bit as the burning liquid scorched her throat. " _Ow,_ but in the best possible way. That's _amazing_."

"Thank you," Ciara replied, capping the bottle. "It is best not to have much of it, however. Excess may cause you to become inebriated to the point of insanity. That is what I have noticed, anyway."

Bernice groaned, but reluctantly set her mug down. "My dear Ciara, that's half the fun."

Calvin reached eagerly across the table with his glass, waving it in Ciara's direction. "Ooh, can I have some, too?"

Hobbes pulled him back. "Calvin, you're a _minor._ "

"And?" Calvin protested. "Different planet, different rules, right? I've always wanted to get drunk!"

" _No,_ " Bernice said firmly. "Your parents would probably never forgive me if I let you drink this stuff, good as it is. You do have parents, right?"

"No," Calvin said quickly, just as Hobbes said, "Yes."

Bernice rolled her eyes. "So, apart from the whole 'time travel' thing, there's nothing linking us together, then?"

"Well," said Hobbes slowly, considering. "That depends. Have you ever met two small aliens named Galaxoid and Nebular?"

Bernice shook her head. "So, it's just the time travel thing, then." She moaned suddenly, slipping down in her chair. Her bruises and cuts were already beginning to heal- no doubt the effect of the two substances in the injections. "This was supposed to be a _break._ "

"Us adventurous sorts never get any sort of break," Calvin said, smirking.

"Yes, I've noticed," Hobbes grumbled, and stretched. "So, what are we going to do?"

Ciara looked out the window. "It is getting dark again. I believe I will go to bed."

"Goodnight," Bernice said, then frowned. "Wait, wasn't it morning, just a few hours ago?"

Ciara laughed; a pretty, tinkling sound. "Do not be ridiculous! A full ten hours have passed since I first met you. All of you may sleep on the cushions in the living room if you wish." So saying, she picked up the bottle of drink, and headed upstairs.

"What a weird planet this is," Hobbes yawned, padding over into the living room, and slumping onto a pile of pillows. "I'm shattered. See you guys tomorrow."

Bernice frowned again, a bit deeper. "Yeah, I guess…"

Calvin jumped, cannonball style, into the cushions as well, and curled up next to his friend. "G'night, Benny! You can crash on the couch."

She smiled, and finished her mug of drink. "I'm not that tired right now. I might go to sleep a bit later."

"Suit yourself," Calvin mumbled, and fell asleep.

Bernice spent the entire night staring out of the window, looking at the unfamiliar stars dance by in a celestial ballet. The twin moons shone brightly, illuminating paved streets and domed buildings below.

Just as the sun was coming up and Bernice was considering sleep as a viable option, her comms unit rang.


	4. Chapter 4

As soon as Calvin and Hobbes were awake, Benny dragged them out of the house, barely giving them time to grab something to eat. She refused to tell them where they were going; just giving them a vaguely cryptic smile and bouncing on her toes.

"Hurry up," was all she would say. "They're _here._ "

They made their way down the street, glancing curiously at things that other people were selling- jewellery, spices, food- all of them looking and smelling fantastic. The goods, that was, not the people, although the people looked pretty snazzy too (commented Hobbes).

"That's inter-species romance," said Calvin, pulling a face. "Disgusting."

"Not really," Benny cut in, slightly offended. "My son's half-Killoran."

Calvin mimed zipping his lips. "Sorry."

At that very moment, a rumble echoed through the ground, shaking the morning dew off rooftops to shower to the ground in a glittering shower. People, at their stalls and tables, screamed- especially the women, who seemed determined to follow the stereotype to the letter. Calvin threw himself to the ground, covering his head with his hands, and waited for the tremors to stop. When they did- and when the sellers had picked the shattered remains of their pottery off the ground- the small group resumed walking.

After a couple of minutes, it became apparent that they were heading away from the city itself and out towards the rather quaint mud-and-brick houses at the edges of civilisation. The buildings were getting smaller and further apart, and there were more smiling people. Everyone seemed happier for some reason- including Benny, who had reached roughly the same hyperactivity level as Calvin on jelly babies. Which, if you hadn't realized already, was pretty darn bouncy.

They reached a small clearing, and Calvin and Hobbes could immediately see what had got Benny so excited- a small spaceship, parked in the clearing.

"Shiny," Calvin breathed reverently. "Is it yours?"

Benny grimaced. "In a manner of speaking. I guess it is, since my name's technically on it. Although it's a bit butchered to be recognized in any legal court…"

"What are you talking about?" asked Hobbes, raising an eyebrow. "It sounds like you're spouting out utter nonsense, but I could be wrong…"

Benny sighed. "I probably am, aren't I? Come on… they're probably inside."

They trudged up to the entrance ramp- (Calvin running his hands happily over the shiny metal)- and entered. It was a homey little ship, with photos and maps pinned up all over the walls, and tasteful interior decoration. Benny knocked on the door that led to the interior of the ship.

"Hi, honey, I'm home," she called, grinning ironically. "Sorry I'm late, the traffic was murder." She pushed open the door, and stepped through, ignoring the muffled cries of warning from inside.

She slipped on a puddle of… well, _something,_ and slid down a bumpy flight of stairs, face first, yelling out in pain.

"I warned you about those stairs, Benny!" Jack said, hurrying over. "I told you!"

"It keeps happening!" Ruth told Calvin, who was hovering at the door still, staring at Jack. "Every single time! She somehow forgets that the stairs are there, and- well…"

She sat up, groaning. "It's too early for this. Put a warning sign up, or something."

Jack sighed theatrically, rolling his eyes. "There's a leak in the coolant again. Ruthie-girl and I were just about to sort it when _you_ came crashing in like an overdramatic elephant and provided us with our entertainment for this morning. Thanks for that, by the way. Who are these two?"

Hobbes and Calvin edged in, being very careful to not slip on the coolant fluid. "Spectators," offered Calvin.

"A tiger!" exclaimed Jack, absolutely delighted. "Well, now, it's been a while since I've seen one of _you_ lot!"

"He's Jack, I'm Ruth," Ruth introduced. "No fixed last names for either of us."

"He's Hobbes, I'm Calvin," Hobbes replied. "Or maybe the other way 'round."

"Hey!" Calvin interrupted. "We could swap names for a day, or something! That would be cool!"

Benny shrugged semi-apologetically at her friends. "Sorry. They're always like this, from what I can tell. I bumped into them yesterday- well, more like a dramatic crash, actually- and they saved my life. And they came here by unconventional methods too, so we've been helping each other out."

"Yeah," Ruth said, tucking a strand of dark hair behind her ear from where it had fallen out. "We've been meaning to ask. You know how you said that this planet was completely uninhabited?"

"It looks like you were wrong," Jack said, excitement clear in his voice. "The entire place is just how Irving said it would be!" He circled her, examining every tear in her clothes. "So, what's the matter? Is the great Professor Summerfield losing it at last? Have you gone completely insane? Well, we all knew that it would have to happen _some_ day…"

Benny pushed him back. "Shut it, Jack. I'm completely sane, thank you very much. It's the _planet_ that's changed."

"That's what you're saying _now,_ but when you're locked up on some dysfunctional asylum planet in the far reaches of the galaxy, you'll know I was right."

Benny very wisely chose to ignore him. "Look, there's something very strange about this place."

Ruth laughed. "We don't need _you_ to tell us that. The orbit here's crazy! When you approach it from space, it's not hard to see that something's wrong."

"What?" Hobbes said, speaking at last. "Can you show us?"

Jack shrugged. "Sure." With a couple of swift keystrokes, he brought up a video on the nearest screen. It showed the planet Minas IV, filling the screen with its very Earth-like appearance- but with a considerable more amount of green. In the video, it was twisting back and forth on its axis furiously, as if unsure which way to go.

"The planet's shaking itself apart," Benny whispered, tracing the image onscreen. "The earthquake earlier…"

"Only the first signs, it looks like," Jack said grimly, all traces of joking gone. "We should probably get off this planet right now."

Hobbes nodded. "Sounds good to me. Er, do you mind if Calvin and I tag along? We don't exactly have any transport… we came here by accident."

"No problem," said Ruth cheerfully. "Just don't cause any trouble, or Jack will eat you. Won't you, Jack?"

Jack flashed them both a razor-toothed grin. "Absolutely. I haven't eaten tiger for a _very_ long time."

Calvin winced. "Um, is that likely?"

"If you behave," said Jack, crossing to the controls, and fussing over them. "well, you won't have to find out, will you?"

Benny shook her head at him, and found a convenient chair to fall into. "Idiot," she sighed, closing her eyes. Jack grinned, and finished setting their trajectory, hitting the final button with a flourish.

"Now," he said. "Strap in, boys and girls. G-force isn't pleasant at the best of times."

Everyone else dived for a spare seat, and hurriedly clicked the buckles into place, except Benny, who was helping with the actual piloting. The _Irverfield_ rumbled, and began to lift off the ground.

"I'm in a spaceship," Calvin muttered happily. "Going into space! Space, space, space, spaaaace!"

Hobbes elbowed him hard in the ribs. Benny exited the room, calling over her shoulder, "just getting the oxygen masks. In case!"

"Hurry up," Jack demanded, annoyed. "We're about to lift off! You don't want to get splattered around the tastefully decorated living quarters, do you?"

"I don't," came the faint retort. "But then again, I don't want to choke to death after a leak springs up, either!" There was a pause, then a crashing noise, then a yell. Ruth sat bolt upright, tugging anxiously at her seatbelt.

"Benny, are you okay out there?" she called. She waited a full minute before the response came.

"The portal!" the archaeologist yelled frantically. "It's _back,_ and it's-"

She cut off abruptly. Ruth instantly started to struggle with her strap, which had suddenly become a million times harder to untie. Calvin and Hobbes tore off the restraints, and dashed towards the door, a few paces behind Jack. Benny was gone, and all that remained in the room was a large, glowing rift in reality, which was rapidly closing.

"Benny!" Jack hollered into the whiteness. "You there?"

Her voice, when it replied, was distorted, like she was speaking through a fan. "Yeah. It's weird, because I'm-"

"Save it," he interrupted, stepping back from the portal, which was now about the size of a small bookcase. "I'm about to do something incredibly stupid. You must be rubbing off on me."

Hobbes opened his mouth, and was about to say something along the lines of 'now, don't do anything stupid', when Jack charged forwards and jumped headfirst into the portal. "GERONIM- AARGH!"

The portal promptly shut behind him with a faint _fwoop,_ just as Ruth burst in through the entrance _._ She stared incredulously at the spot where it had been _._

The silence that followed was audible.

Calvin broke it first.

"Well, what the hell are we going to do _now?"_ he demanded angrily.

* * *

 _Apologies for the gratuitous Homestuck reference. I've only just got into it, and my inner fangirl wouldn't let the opportunity pass unheeded. ^-^_


	5. Chapter 5

Eventually, Ruth decided that enough was enough, and she couldn't bear another _moment_ of Calvin and Hobbes bouncing off the walls of an enclosed room. It was bad enough that they'd found her chocolate stash, and even worse that they'd found a bunch of holographic laser guns. Benny and Jack were showing no sign of a miraculous return, and the frequent calls that she kept sending Irving weren't getting through. Something to do with atmospheric interference, according to the systems. And she didn't dare try taking off. For one thing, she had absolutely no idea how to control it- she mostly left that sort of thing to Jack. And for another, she wasn't about to abandon her friends. She hit the uncooperative computer that she was working on, and huffed loudly.

In short, Ruth was _annoyed._

"That's it, everyone _out_!" she yelled. Hobbes glanced up from where he was aiming the disabled ray gun at Calvin, and made an odd gesture with it that she took to mean 'but we're in the middle of something and having fun'. She folded her arms. "I don't _care._ We're not getting anything done here, clearly, and we might as well go outside and… well, I don't know."

Calvin popped up from behind a table, waving his gun. "But we're in the middle of a war for galactic supremacy!"

She scowled. "I don't _care._ God, is this what having children is like? I don't know what Benny sees in it." She shoved a finger in the direction of the door. "Out. Now." When neither of them made any move to leave, she actually growled. "I'm coming, too; I just need to lock up this place. _Go._ "

There was, suddenly and spontaneously, a mad rush for the door, maybe encouraged by the murderous expression that probably should never had begun to creep across Ruth's face in the first place.

It was mid-afternoon outside, and the strange alien birds roosting in the trees above provided lovely accompaniment as the trio strolled back to what passed for civilisation on Minas IV.

"So," said Calvin conversationally, hopping onto a log, and balancing his way along it. "Ruth, right? Ruth who?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Calvin who?"

"Calvin the Bold," he replied promptly. "I used to have a real last name, but there was this one time when Hobbes and I were riding the wagon down Doom Crevice, and we crashed into a tree, knocking my last name out of me. It fell into the river, and was swept away, never to be seen again."

She stared at him for a beat, disbelief written all over her face.

"What?" he protested. "Weirder things have happened!"

She sighed, admitting defeat. "Yeah. I guess they have. I don't have a last name because I can't remember. It's a bit like amnesia, but intentional."

"'A bit like amnesia, but intentional'," Hobbes said, making quotation marks in the air with his paws. "You know, I can't decide if that's the worst or best sentence I've heard today."

She shrugged, and decided to borrow a phrase she had once heard Benny use. "Hey, I'm not an English teacher." She looked closer at Hobbes. "And what exactly are you?"

Hobbes brightened, and bounced up onto a log, clearing his throat. " _I am the very model of a feline tuna gatherer-_ hey, get off!"

Calvin, not wanting to endure a twenty-minute long song extolling the virtues of tigers, had launched himself into Hobbes at high velocity with vengeance. They both fought back and forth for a couple of seconds, before they both tumbled to the ground. Calvin swore loudly, using a word that he probably shouldn't have known. Ruth looked on with amusement.

"Anyway," continued Calvin, springing to his feet as if nothing had happened. "I'm just an ordinary kid. Nothing special, really."

Ruth nodded seriously. "Okay. Why don't we just go into the town, and meet up with that friend of yours that you mentioned earlier? We can quiz her on whatever's going on here."

Hobbes dusted himself off, and scratched at his ear. "What, that Ciara girl? Sure, I guess. I think I can remember where she lived."

With that sorted, they set off at a faster pace this time, having somewhere to actually go. Despite the conspicuous absence of Benny and Jack, the day was looking a lot better already.

* * *

Just before Jack landed directly on top of her, Benny realized exactly where she was. The flash of recognition came suddenly, and she would have probably exclaimed aloud if it weren't for a heavy and irritating Cadeptian diving through the nearly closed portal, and crushing her into the sand.

"-AAARGH!" he finished, managing to drive them both further into the ground, somehow. Benny wriggled underneath him awkwardly.

"Jack," she said, as calmly as she could manage. "Get the hell off of me."

He scrambled to his feet instantly, bowing at her. "Of course, my Lady Summerfield. What else do you require me to do, your ladyship? Jump through another mysterious portal to god knows where because you're in distress once more? Or maybe I could-"

She rolled her eyes. "I didn't _ask_ you to follow me. And I know _exactly_ where we are."

Jack pulled her to her feet. "Oh, good. Enlighten me."

She looked around, brushing hair from her eyes, picked a direction, and started to walk. "Exactly where we started."

Jack hurried after her. "I'm sorry, I must have got sand in my ear or something, because I could've sworn that you just claimed that we're in the same place that we started. Because that's complete and utter nonsense, and you know that. Because we were just parked on Minas IV, and now, we're on-"

"-Minas IV," Benny said, firmly. "Still."

He shook his head. "Yeah, I heard what you said, but it's not getting through. This is, quite clearly, a desert wasteland. How could you possibly say that it's-"

"-the same place? I really have no idea, but it's true."

Jack glared at her. " _Stop cutting me off mid-sen-_ "

"All I know," Benny continued, a faint smile creeping onto her face- the same grin that always appeared when she was about to explain something extremely clever that she had worked out herself. "is that this _is_ Minas IV. I have no idea about the other place- maybe it's a future or past version of this place, or just a fake- but this is the original. The first."

Jack nodded slowly. "Okay. That sounds about right, and it almost makes sense." He paused. "Just one question."

Benny raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"How do you know this?" he asked, perfectly aware that he was inviting her to show off about how clever she was.

She grinned, and dug in her pocket. "Elementary, my dear Jack. Check this out." She fiddled around with some buttons, and tossed her comms unit to him. He caught it easily, and peered at the screen.

"What's this?" he asked, realizing as he said it exactly what he was looking at. "Oh no. You didn't."

"Oh yes, I did," she beamed. Without meaning to, an identical smile formed on his face, and he shook his head admiringly.

"Oh, Benny, Benny, Benny. You naughty, _naughty_ girl. You do realize that you've probably just saved both our lives?"

She shrugged, stopping. "Just doing my job. Aha."

"Bernice Summerfield," Jack said, folding his arms. "What exactly does that 'aha' mean?"

She leaned down, and produced a trowel from the inside of her jacket pocket. She began to dig in the sand. "It means that I'm about to summon an ancient entity from the beginning of time to tell us what's going on. Why?"

Jack shook his head, amused. "Well, you're sure full of surprises today."

She laughed, and typed into her comms unit. "Well, that's my middle name. Bernice Surprise Summerfield. I hope my dear old mum is still getting a laugh out of that, wherever she is right now." She threw it down suddenly, and stepped back. "Don't get near this. Things are about to get… well, complicated."

Jack frowned. "What are you going to do?"

"I told you. Summon a god from the dawn of time. Move _back,_ Jack."

He moved back. Benny pressed a button with her toe.

All hell proceeded to break loose.


	6. Chapter 6

They found Ciara on the street again, selling flowers. She recognized Calvin and Hobbes instantly, and shook Ruth's hand politely. Introductions were hastily made, and stories were swapped- there had apparently been two more earthquakes in the city since they had left it. There was a quiet panic that could easily be seen, even under the façade that everyone was putting on.

"The high council is deciding what to do," Ciara explained, as they trudged down the streets and back to her flat. "As usual, they are taking their time while doing it."

"Bureaucrats," Hobbes tutted, shaking his head. "They're all the same, no matter which planet you're on."

"I'm not going to bother to comment on that," Calvin said. "I had no idea that you followed politics."

Hobbes shrugged and smiled as they entered Ciara's apartment. She lit the lamps, and the room lit up with a soft, rosy glow. Ruth beamed at the quaint surroundings, and took a seat on a handy cushion, crossing her legs. Calvin bounced onto the pile of cushions that he had slept on last night. Hobbes decided to stand.

"Benny and our other friend have disappeared," Ruth explained. "And we had no idea what to do. So we came here."

Ciara sat down as well. "I am flattered. But how could I possibly help?"

Hobbes frowned, and waved a paw absently in the air. "We were hoping _you_ could tell us that."

Ciara sat quietly for a moment, digesting this information. When she next spoke, it was almost tentatively.

"We could try the town hall?" she suggested.

Ruth played absently with her hair, twisting it along her finger. "Why there?"

"Didn't you know?" Calvin piped up, grinning at Hobbes. They spoke together.

"Everything interesting happens at the middle of the city!"

* * *

The next thing that Jack and Benny knew was that they were standing in the middle of a hall that was vaguely Egyptian in style and design. The hieroglyphs decorating the walls resembled Earth's, but only in the way that a llama resembles a sheep, or a bug-eyed lizard monster from Betelgeuse 8 resembles a gecko.

Benny, of course, was fascinated.

"I've never seen anything like these," she mused, springing to her feet to run her fingers along the carvings. She reached into her satchel, and produced a miniature magnifying glass, and held it up so that she could see the designs clearly. Jack rolled onto his back, groaning.

"What the hells was that?" he mumbled, rubbing at his eyes. "That was…" He paused to think. "You know what? I don't even _know_ what that was. That most definitely wasn't described in the Guide."

"Hey," said Benny, almost personally offended. "The Guide doesn't have _all_ the answers." She rubbed the carvings clean of a very thin layer of dust with her jacket sleeve. "But seriously! Check these out!"

Jack stood up, and took a closer look. "I may be practically perfect in almost every way, but for some reason, my numerous powers don't allow me to know what that says."

Benny didn't respond, still engrossed, and Jack tutted impatiently. "A _translation,_ Miss Summerfield, would help quite a bit."

She glanced up. "Really? Oh…" She scanned the carvings one more time. "There's the usual rot about how we're currently standing on sacred ground and trespassers will be cursed with fire-induced deaths long into the afterlife, blah blah blah, something something ancient washing machine spell, another few curses, and then we get to the interesting stuff. It's written in Old High Anubian, and it loses some of its charm in translation, but it basically tells the story of the ancient civilisation that used to inhabit Minas IV."

Jack was finding this very interesting and was listening with all of his attention, but had also wandered over to the other side of the room and switched on his pocket torch to add to the dim light that spilled from cracks in the walls. The art on the opposite wall was a visual representation of the story that Benny was translating.

"By this account, it was a fairly advanced civilisation, as far as they go," Benny continued, moving down the hall to follow the story. "They had clever mechanical systems to harvest crops, print manuscripts, and weave fabrics. Everything that you'd except from a planet that mirrored the development of the Anubians."

Jack looked at an image of a group of men with tall, conical hats and robe-like apparel. "Sorry, who exactly _were_ the Anubians? I've never heard of them before- do they have anything to do with the Egyptian god?"

"Got it in one," Benny nodded. "Earth's Egyptians didn't actually develop their rituals and gods by themselves. It was discovered a couple of years back that a different civilisation came first. As soon as the Anubians developed space travel, they headed to a bunch of other planets with intelligent life, and taught them all about their ways." She grinned suddenly. "My ex-husband would've been thrilled to know about that, though. He was always into alien conspiracy theories and all that…" She trailed off.

Jack sensed that she was about to go into one of her rare melancholy moods, and hurriedly nudged her on. "So?"

The archaeologist shook herself back to reality. "Right. Well, each planet that the Anubians influenced had a bit of a different twist on the mythology. Hence the fact that Minas IV has its own system of ruling and whatnot." She found her place in the carvings, and went on. "According to this, one day, the sacred sun god Ran came down to them."

"'Ran'?" Jack asked, tracing an image of a bird-headed man wreathed in fire.

"You'd probably know him as 'Ra'. Names got muddled, along with other things. So, Ran demanded sacrifices from the city council, otherwise the flame of the gods would rain down on them, and they'd be cursed by a plague of… um, well, that doesn't translate well. Let's just say 'frogs'. Well, the council agreed, of course, because no one wants to make a god mad, especially not the sun god. And then they belatedly realized that no one had actually asked what the sacrifice was to be."

"Let me guess," Jack said, having reached that point on his side of the wall. "Human sacrifices?"

"Absolutely right. Specifically, the head honcho's daughter, Acari."

"How did the council react to that?"

"There was initially a bit of fuss, actually. A small group of people sprung up, protesting against it. Acari was pretty popular among the people… but not with her dad."

Jack frowned. "Wait, you mean that her father-"

"-agreed to kill her in accordance to the god's request, yes," Benny nodded, wrinkling her nose. "Charming fellow. Anyway, the sacrifice was due to take place on a Sunday afternoon, at midday, because that's the best time to make bloodstained sacrifices, apparently. They had the priests and their cutting knives ready, a crowd of women prepared to weep for the dead girl, the whole works. The time came, and the priests headed into Acari's rooms to bring her to the cutting block. But… well, she was gone. She had twigged to the fact that she was going to be killed long before she wanted to, and had run away, disguising herself as someone else."

Jack smirked. "I bet the council wasn't too pleased about that."

"Not in the least. They panicked for a couple of hours, and then devised a sneaky plan to kill some poor commoner girl in Acari's place. Well, the priests went through with that, and for a couple of days, everything was hunky-dory."

"I'm sensing a 'but' here."

"Well, you can't trick the gods as easily as that. Ran found out, and was about as angry as a mother who's suddenly found out that her teenage daughter's been going to sleazy nightclubs and dating older guys when she was supposed to be at a friend's sleepover. He thought about calling down the plague of… um, 'frogs'. But then, he got a better idea. He cursed the world to be constantly flung back and forth through the spires of the sundial."

Jack paused. "Wait, what?"

"Basically, he caused the planet to be caught in a weird and complicated time loop." Benny paused for a breath. "Meanwhile, Acari and her friends returned to the council chambers to seek their revenge."

Jack sucked in a gasp of breath suddenly. "Benny, I think you'd better have a look at this."

Benny looked up, and crossed the room. Jack pointed at a small carving that depicted 'Acari and her friends'. The archaeologist frowned, and looked closer. "But... wait a moment. That's-"

The image showed a tiny girl in a plain white dress, another girl with dark hair, jeans, and a T-shirt. Besides them was an ever smaller boy with spikey blonde hair… and a tiger.

"What's Ruth doing in this planet's history?" Jack demanded. "And, for that matter, what are those two doing there too?"

Benny had more important things on her mind. She stared at the girl in the white dress. "That's Ciara. Wait a minute…"

She picked a stick up from the ground, and scrawled the name 'ACARI' in the dust. Underneath that, she wrote 'CIARA', and then sat back, staring. "Oh my god. That sneaky little- I mean, that's clever, but not entirely original. Anyone with half a brain can work it out."

"Wait," said Jack, who wasn't enjoying playing 'companion' to Benny's 'Time Lord'. "Are you saying that this Ciara girl is really the would-be sacrifice for a stupid ritual for the sun god?"

"You know what," said Benny, still staring at the two words in the dust. "I have no idea what I'm saying." She jumped to her feet. "We need to get back to the past. They're in big trouble."

* * *

 **Yep, I'm still alive. That's probably a good thing. However, I'm being swamped by homework and all these fanfictions I haven't finished yet...!**

 **So, good news for people who want to find out more about Benny and crew! A Twelfth Doctor book has just been published- it's called ' Big Bang Generation' by Gary Russell. It features Twelve, Bernice, Ruth, Jack, and Peter (who I haven't featured in this story because I'm not good at writing him). I have it on good authority that it's an excellent book, and I hope to read it very soon. Unfortunately, my mail order for it is taking _ages_. **

**So go check that out!**

 **In other news, _who's excited for SERIES 9 OF DOCTOR WHO!?_**

 ** _I AM! YEAH!_**

 **See you all whenever I get the next chapter out. :)**

 **~Kitty**


	7. Chapter 7

Jack and Benny hurried down the corridor together, this time ignoring the patterns and designs on the walls. Benny was hurriedly typing into her comms device, and thrust it out to Jack as it began to ring. "Take the call. I don't have enough willpower to deal with him right now."

"By 'him', I'm going to assume you mean Irving," observed Jack drily, even as Benny started to hunt through her pockets. "What are you doing?"

She shushed him, waving her hands. They rounded a corner, and headed towards the faint, flickering light up ahead.

The communications link beeped, and the system took up the call. The slightly worried face of Irving Braxiatel faded into fuzzy view.

"-finally!" he exclaimed, sounding as if he had just got to the end of an extremely long sentence. "Where have you been, and _why-_ where's Ruth?"

"It's a long story," Jack said. Benny motioned for him to stop, having finally found her diary and arrived in precisely the place where she wanted (and needed) to be. She sat down on the ground, and started to leaf through it. "By the way, Benny here stole your copy of the Guide."

"She _what?_ " Irving yelled- so loudly that it almost sounded like he was in the corridor with them. "Does she have any idea how expensive- and rare- that is? And she _brought it to Minas IV with her?!_ "

"Yes," called Benny, without looking up. "Of course I know how expensive and rare and etcetera it is- which is why I made an electronic copy of it, and left the actual copy at home. Honestly, Brax, what do you take me for?"

" _Irving,_ " corrected the owner of the White Rabbit irritably.

"Sorry," said Benny, without sounding sorry in the least. "Force of habit."

Jack managed to hide his grin, and brought the conversation back on track. "We got sucked up by a portal. Well, to be fair, Benny got sucked up, I followed her-"

"For the record," the archaeologist interjected. "It was the same sort of rift as before, just a bit lower key."

"And Ruth is currently back where the Irverfield is parked," continued Jack. "Along with those two kids- Calvin and Hobbes, right? And a girl called Ciara, who is actually the daughter of the head of this planet's Council, and should have been sacrificed to the gods."

Irving was actually silent for a moment, with his eyebrow half-raised in the air and getting higher with every passing second.

"We got transported to this tomb place when Benny found an obscure loophole in the Guide that let us borrow the help of a god or two. We've been checking up the backstory, and it turns out that Ruthie-girl is a part of this planet's history."

The eyebrow was still ascending. It was in danger of disappearing, high into the clouds, and emerging somewhere near the peaks of the Himalayan Mountains, or whatever equivalent Legion had.

"So," Jack said. "Basically, we're trapped here, with no way of helping them, and our usual resident smartypants is currently leafing through her old diary entries and not being of any help at all."

There was a pause.

"Well," Irving said slowly- (the eyebrow retreating to a safe point)- "what do you want me to do about it?"

Jack scratched his head. "Well- I kind of assumed that you'd-"

"What, exactly?"

"No idea," he confessed. "Actually, Benny- why did you call him up in the first place? He seems to be being even more deliberately unhelpful than usual, and considering how he normally is… well, what was the idea?"

"One second," she said, flipping a page, and stabbing a triumphant finger into the middle of a sea of sticky notes and scribbles. "A _ha!_ Gotcha!" She stood up, and moved over to the video conference. "I remember finding the remnants of an Anubian-style tomb a while back, and I made some notes. Aside from some references to the," she coughed. "um, purely professional relationships I had with one of the site managers (and to be fair to me, he was really hot)- yep, apart from that, me and a friend managed to puzzle out how one of their machines worked. Like I said, they were really quite advanced. They had a networking series of teleportation devices that linked the rooms of the tomb together."

"We can use them to get out?" Jack asked. "I mean, hop around 'till we find another portal, then dive through it?"

"Correctamundo," Benny beamed, bopping him on the nose. Her mood had improved remarkably as soon as she had realized that there was actually a chance of them surviving this. "There's only one slight problem, though- we need the activation codes. And that's where Irving here comes in."

"Excellent," Irving said sarcastically. "I'll just go pull out this list of ancient Anubian teleportation device codes that I just happened to have lying around, then. Whoopee. You're saved."

Benny attempted to poke him on the nose too, but only succeeded in making the screen of the comms unit warp and distort. "No need. Just do me a favour and look up pictures of Minas IV ruins on GalNet."

Irving brought up a browsing program, off screen, and started to type into it. "Anywhere specific?"

"If you can work it out, the place where we are right now. It's pretty big- circular in shape- and has a compass-type design spread across the domed roof. Looks like an antechamber."

"Got it," he said after a moment. "What am I looking for- ah."

Jack looked around. "Well, what did you find?"

"A sequence of numbers- an activation code, to be precise." Irving sounded highly amused for some reason. "In Bernice's handwriting."

Benny produced a thick black pen from her pocket, and winked, taking the lid off. "Well, don't leave us in suspense. What are they?"

"Seven, seven, four, five, dash, six, one, two, three," related Irving. Benny wrote them down carefully on the wall behind them triumphantly. "Very clever. I'm sure you're aware that this breaks all of the primary laws of Time- but clever nonetheless."

"I thought so," Benny answered smugly.

" _Oh,_ " Jack realized with a start. "That's the activation code… from the future… which only exists because you wrote it… wait, isn't that a paradox?"

"Probably," Irving said. "Is that all you need me for, or can I actually get on with tending the bar before I lose all of my customers?"

Benny considered. "Nope, that's about it. Thanks, by the way."

"Any time, Bernice." With a fizz and a beep, the connection disintegrated. Jack and Benny looked at each other.

"Well," Jack said. "What now?"

"Now," said Benny, kicking at what seemed to be thin air-it wasn't, it made a loud _clang_ ing noise and shimmered, resolving itself into the shape of a transport capsule- "well, now we do exactly what you suggested. We go hopping around, looking for a portal to dive into."

"Good plan," Jack nodded, then paused. "Oh, and Benny?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you please stop prompting me to ask all the stupid questions? I'm really getting sick of it."

* * *

 **Basically a lot more talking in this chapter. Sorry about that. Lots of action and stuff coming up soon!**

 **Speaking of which, I did finally get around to reading _Big Bang Generation,_ and it is amazing. 10/10 would recommend. Go get it, immediately.**

 **See you all next time!**

 **Kitty**


	8. Intermission

**Okay, here's fair warning to all of you. DO NOT SKIP THE INTERMISSION. The Intermission is unskippable.**

 **The Intermission is about to begin.**

 **Here we go. (Beware of _way too many references._ )**

* * *

 _ **Intermission**_

* * *

 _Elsewhere:_

A brown haired six-year-old girl sat in the gap between her curtains and the glass of the window, watching the sunset. It was a particularly dramatic one this evening- rays of colour and light dancing outwards from the central, blazing point that was the sun. The girl had time to watch it today. She had finished all of her homework, and was going to go to bed after this. She had pink pyjamas on, with cute cats printed all over them.

The girl's room was located in the attic of her house. It was small and cozy, overlooking the street and the woods beyond. The far wall, just next to her bed, was lined with bookcases full to overflowing. All the classics were there- Charles Dickens, J K Rowling, the full _Monty Python's Flying Circus_ script collection. Everything that a bibliophile and A-grade student would ever need, and then some.

The sun began to sink below the horizon, and the girl sighed, staring out into the woods. They seemed especially dark tonight.

Well, at least they did until a bright light flashed through the trees, lighting them up dramatically.

The girl nearly fell off the windowsill in shock, but promptly scrambled back up to check if her eyesight was, in fact, deceiving her.

It wasn't.

She stared out at the suddenly brightly-lit forest.

"Calvin," she muttered, and lunged for her closet.

It took the girl precisely two minutes and seventeen seconds to get changed into something slightly more appropriate for rambling through the woods, and a further one minute and three seconds to find her shoes in the mess underneath her bed. She opened her bedroom door as quietly as possible- wincing as it squealed- and crept downstairs, hopping over the creaky step, five from the bottom. The keys for the front door were hidden in the cookie jar, and she swiped them, tucking them in her jacket pocket, before slipping out through the garden and running quickly in the direction of the woods.

It was actually quite surprising that no one else had got up to investigate. The bright light was glowing enough to completely light up the street, leaving barely any room for shadows.

Now that the girl thought about it, it was quite surprising that _she_ had got up to investigate. She wasn't the sort to go on wild adventures. She was more the stay-at-home, read-a-book type- not getting her fingers dirty, and not a single stain on her dress from rolling in the grass.

"Must be the company I keep," she muttered, surprising herself with the sound of her own voice as much as the actual meaning behind it. She slowed as she approached the forest itself, walking at a brisk pace between the trees and towards the source of the light, which was located at the centre of the forest.

When she arrived-

-she realised that the light was emanating from a portal.

She wasn't actually sure how she _knew_ it was a portal. It was big, round, glowy, swirly, and she probably could have thought up a menagerie of other adjectives to describe it.

But she knew it from another place entirely.

* * *

 **MONTHS IN THE PAST (but not many)…**

"Hey, Susie!"

She didn't bother turning, scratching out her workings for a sum with a pencil. "I'm not telling you the answers. Work them out yourself."

"Not that," Calvin whined, and he was probably giving her big, doleful puppy-dog eyes right now. She still didn't look up.

"I don't want to see a Tyrannosaurus Rex in an F-14, and I don't want to know the latest adventure that Stupendous Man, defender of all justice and tyranny, had this week! Leave me alone!"

"You remembered his name!" he said, delighted, before focussing. "And, no- I just wanted to know what you thought of this thing I'm working on."

She finally faced him, twisting in her chair. "Why would you want my opinion on anything?"

He bit his lip, looking as if he was having a massive internal debate. She raised her eyebrow and gave him her sternest look, in her best Minerva McGonagall impression.

"Because you're smart," he finally came out with, and she blinked in surprise. "Even though you're a slimy girl," he added hurriedly, and she smiled, just a bit. "I want you to make sure I'm not going to screw up the space-time continuum- I'm not good with maths."

She sighed, and held out her hand, which Calvin took to mean a 'fine, I'll do it'. He handed her two sheets of paper, stapled together at the top and covered in Calvin's trademark scrawlings as well as little diagrams in the margins.

Mrs Wormwood came stalking past like a bulldozer in a Mark & Spencer's dress, and Susie hid the papers under her worksheet for a minute, and pulled them out again when the teacher had passed.

She read through the pages.

At first glance, it seemed like absolutely nonsense. Just words strung together, to make the writer sound important and pompous- and she thought, for a second, that Calvin was only pulling a rather stupid and not altogether well-thought out prank on her. Then she looked a bit closer, and- well, there was no other way to put it. It was absolute genius.

It was a detailed breakdown of time travel, the multiverse theory, and most importantly, how a portal between dimensions could work. There was some rather simple algebra at the bottom of the page which looked like an equation. Susie took a few minutes to puzzle it out, but when she had finished, there was a rather glaring and obvious error. She took out a red marker from her pencil case and added the note.

"Well?" Calvin asked as she handed it back to him.

"Pretty good," she admitted grudgingly. "But you forgot to add the one. You worked that out all yourself?"

Calvin scanned it. "Nah- Hobbes helped a bit. You're right. Thanks."

It was at that precise moment that Mrs Wormwood noticed what was going on, and dragged Calvin up to the front to make him do a maths problem at the blackboard. He stared at the white-chalked markings for a moment, before grabbing a stick for himself, and beginning to work it out for himself- all over the board.

"In conclusion," he said cheerfully, fifteen minutes later, as he threw down the stick of chalk. "Five plus twenty-two comes to a total of one thousand, six hundred and six point two."

Everyone stared at him.

"You're kidding, right?" asked Candace, who was sitting in the front row. Calvin glanced back, and frowned.

"Of course not," he said, picking up the chalk again. The class breathed a collective sigh of relief. He scribbled something down, and looked up triumphantly. "I forgot to add the hypotenuse! One thousand six hundred and six point two, and seventeen squirrels!"

A pause, and then the reaction-

Instant uproar.

Susie met Calvin at his locker after school, and handed him back the calculations, which she had picked up in all the confusion. He brushed them off and tucked them into his bag carefully. She watched him, with a sort of grin tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"What?" he asked, noticing it.

"Nothing," she said. "What's that for?"

"The portal thing?" he asked, looping the strap of his bag over his shoulder. "Just something I'm working on. It can't actually work, though, it'll rip the universe apart. I'm only working it out just in case someone else opens the portals and I need to close them."

"It's really clever," said Susie, with a lack of everything else to say. "I knew about the Multiverse theory, but that-"

"Yup! An infinite amount of universes- the Omniverse, if you like- all bound together by portals in space and time," Calvin beamed. "I call it the Rift Effect. Anything can be sucked up, anything can be spat out. Literally nothing's impossible where the Omniverse is concerned."

"It's just theory, right?"

"It's plausible, actually- rifts in reality do exist, and they suck stuff up into them."

"Really?" Susie frowned.

"Yeah. Apparently there's a really big one in Cardiff- Hobbes and I have been emailing back and forth with them, and they're convinced that there's a tiny version of it in our town. They've even offered equipment. The fact that Hobbes is a tiger seemed to convince them."

She stared at him, measuring him up. "You're not serious, are you?"

He winked at her, and hopped off to the bus stop on one leg, just to be different. It always stunned her when he proved that he could actually be clever at times- but just chose not to.

With a shrug and a sigh, Susie headed home.

* * *

Susie Derkins looked at the portal, mentally comparing it to the one from Calvin's diagram. It had all the qualities he had listed.

Now, if she was Calvin, she'd be jumping headfirst into the portal right now, screaming a battle cry.

She wasn't Calvin. She was reasonable, and sensible, and fully aware of the dangers of strolling unarmed into alternate dimensions. What she _wasn't_ was entirely sure of what to do next. It's not actually that easy to tell your parents that there's a multidimensional rift in the local forest, and even harder to explain what you're actually _doing_ in the forest when you're supposed to be in bed and sleeping.

She was seriously considering just heading home and pretending that nothing had happened when a small, leather-bound diary came sailing out of the rift, and hit her in the head.

She bent down and picked it up.

"'Anything can be sucked up, anything can be spat out'," she muttered, remembering what Calvin had said. Tentatively, she flipped towards the middle, and read through it.

 _Advent on Legion today!_

 _Best party we've had all year, and that includes that absolutely smashing bash of one we had on Peter's birthday. It was certainly better than_ _last_ _one's- the intervention of Peter's 'other' mother wasn't exactly pleasant- and Irving was really sweet this time, admittedly. I brought plum pudding (Advent just wouldn't be Advent without it) and we all got nice and drunk in the White Rabbit. I think Jack started singing at some point. He is rather sweet when you get to know him, although you've got to watch out when he tries to kiss you; his saliva is actually poisonous. Shudder. Maybe that's why I passed out at 10.30._

Susie frowned, and turned back to another page, which was covered by a large yellow sticky note. On top of it, it read-

 _Okay, I think I've resolved my romantic difficulties with Jason. It wasn't hard, really. Just a question of some well-placed flowers (from him) and a well-placed-_

Susie peeled up the sticky note to read what was written underneath.

 _BLOODY MEN. Can't stand them, no matter who they are. Jason says that we're all right now, BUT FLOWERS DON'T SOLVE ANYTHING. What I need is a long, relaxing trip off-planet. Possibly some sort of colony where they shun everything masculine. Yes, that sounds good._

Susie turned to the very first page. Inside the front cover, in the same neat, sprawling writing that filled the rest of the book, were the words ' **DIARY OF PROFESSOR BERNICE SUMMERFIELD.** **DO NOT READ!** '

-the last three words were underlined four times, for emphasis.

 **If found,** it continued. **Return to-** 'The Braxiatel Collection' had been scribbled out, as had 'The Lost City of Atlantis' (for some reason). **The White Rabbit Pub, Legion City, Legion,** it concluded. Then, almost as an afterthought- **(Reward!)**

Susie decided to ignore the loud and obvious instruction not to look, and turned to the most recent entry.

 _I live in interesting times,_ it said. _Very_ _interesting. I'm currently in the past- or maybe future- of a planet that really should be a haven of technology, and I've just run into a six-year-old boy and a bipedal tiger. I honestly can't bring myself to be any more shocked at anything that's happening. I mean, I'm the woman who has a half-Killoran son and used to be friends with a talking hamster. Weird is practically my speciality._

 _We- Calvin (the boy), Hobbes (the tiger), and I- are staying at the house of a very nice girl who's kindly agreed to take us in. Her name's Ciara._

 _She seems nice enough._

That last sentence was written on an orange sticky note, which she peeled up. _There's something off about her,_ the writing underneath confided. _But I can't quite put my finger on it._

Satisfied- although somewhat in shock about the fact that Calvin appeared to be in a diary entry from god-knew-where- Susie read on.

 _Ruth and Jack are landing the Irverfield (note to self: FIND A WAY TO CONVINCE BRAX TO CHANGE THAT NAME) a while away from the city tomorrow. I'll take Calvin and Hobbes there and maybe we can actually figure out what's going on._

 _This was meant to be a holiday! I should've known, really, I never get holidays. Sigh._

 _Okay, that's all for now. The sun's coming up, and I think we should get moving as quickly as possible._

 _Until next time,_

 _Benny_

Susie snapped the diary shut, and stared at it for a moment, as if trying to divine some extra meaning from it that she hadn't been previously aware of. The fact that Calvin and his stuffed tiger were in some strange place beyond the realm of human knowledge hardly surprised her at all- hanging out with him had broadened her horizons just a tad.

She considered for a second, weighing the diary in her hand. She could take it back home and read through the rest it. She could leave it in the forest for someone else to find. She could tuck it underneath her bed and forget all about it. She could show it to someone else.

Susie looked up at the portal, and got the impression that it was somehow staring at her as well. She thought that she could almost hear things through it- the crunch of alien sand beneath someone's sandals, the cries of strange birds wheeling through the sky.

She looked at the diary again, and imagined what it must be like to live the life of the author- Bernice Summerfield. To live on a different place, to be friends with a talking hamster, to take Calvin at face value. The entire diary was a record of her life.

She imagined how it must feel to lose a record like that.

Susie threw the diary as hard as she could, back into the portal, hoping desperately that it would somehow make its way back to its owner.

She ran home, through the garden, through the front door, up the stairs, and quickly changed back into her pyjamas. She curled up into bed, underneath the blankets, and thought.

Tomorrow, she decided, she would find Calvin, to ask him about Bernice Summerfield.

And she would start a diary.

It seemed like a good way to spend some time.

* * *

 **END OF INTERMISSION**


	9. Chapter 8

**Hey, it's me, and I'm back with more insane stuff! :) Just as a general note, I'm finishing up writing this story as I post this, and updates should be more or less regular from now on. From here, there's three more chapters, and then that's it.**

 **Also, if you haven't seen it yet, I've posted another story ('A Theory of Timelines') that links to this story- or at least tells you what Brax is getting up to during most of it. I'll also be posting another Brax-centric crossover in this universe pretty soon, so if you like SKulduggery Pleasant and/or Undertale, be sure to check them out!**

 **Onwards!**

* * *

Benny and Jack's landing wasn't the smoothest. In fact, Benny would have probably suffered a sprained ankle if it weren't for the fact that she knew exactly how to roll to counteract her momentum. As it was, she got off with several minor scratches and injuries.

Jack, having 'spring-heels', didn't get any sort of injury at all. He landed directly on his feet, bounced a bit, and had the courtesy to help Benny up, which was unusual for him. "How did you learn to do that?"

"What, land without killing myself?" Benny said, and shrugged. "I used to do this sort of thing all the time with two friends of mine. I must've fallen off a million cliffs before Ace showed me how to roll."

"Ace?" Jack asked.

"An old friend. Absolute bloody lunatic, but great with explosives. Haven't seen her in a while-" Benny looked thoughtful for a moment. "I wonder how she's doing…"

"We're in the palace, right?" Jack asked, changing the subject, looking around curiously. The area matched the carvings that had been on the walls fairly accurately, although it was pretty dark.

"Looks like it," nodded Benny, dusting herself off. "Let's go."

They began to walk together, in the direction of the throne room.

* * *

"Remind me why we're breaking into the town hall again," Ruth hissed.

"Because it's locked and we need to get in," replied Calvin with the air of someone stating the absolute bloody obvious.

"And why can't we wait until, I don't know, _tomorrow?_ " she snapped.

"Because by that point it might be too late!" Hobbes snapped back. "Honestly, I thought you weren't new to this whole adventuring thing! There's always a sense of urgency, and we've always got to get somewhere within a time limit. It wouldn't be fun otherwise."

"I wouldn't have a nice quiet life, otherwise," Ruth translated, with a roll of her eyes. "Sounds about right."

"All of you, shut up!" Ciara hissed. "They'll find out we're here!"

Hobbes mimed zipping his lips with an eye roll of his own, and then frowned. "Wait, _who'll_ find out we're here?"

Ciara froze. "Um, I do not know," she said. "Just… someone."

"Right," frowned Calvin, slightly suspicious but not sure how to act on it. He turned to his tiger friend, and pointed at a window above them. "C'mon, Hobbes, give me a leg up. It'll be like that time we broke into the school to steal my permanent record."

Hobbes grunted, and scooped up the six-year-old, hoisting him up so that he could grab onto the edge of the windowsill.

"You broke into your school to steal your permanent record?" Ruth asked, both eyebrows raised. "How did that work out?"

"Not very well," said Hobbes with a grimace, arms straining with the effort of holding up his friend. "It turns out that his permanent record takes up an entire _room._ "

"Oh," Ruth said, glancing up at Calvin, who had got a firm hold on the ledge and was now levering himself up. " _Wow._ "

"I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge," Calvin called down, finally managing to get through the window. "Give me a sec, I'll be right out. Meet you at the front door."

Hobbes shot him a thumbs up and a grin, which Calvin mirrored, and then he was gone.

Ciara led them all around to the front of the hall, where they hid in a bush for a couple of minutes, anxiously regarding the front door, which remained conspicuously shut.

"Do you think he's o-" Ruth began to whisper, but was shushed loudly by Ciara. A second later, the door opened, and Calvin peeked out, looking around. He spotted their impromptu hiding spot and motioned for them to join him.

"Let's go," Ciara said when they were all inside the building and the door was locked behind them, and led them forwards, into the town hall.

It was remarkably big, for a town hall. The corridor that they were going down seemed to go on forever, with not much variation in the decoration scheme, either. It was mainly chiselled grey stone, and occasionally an unlit torch or two.

"So how are we going to help Jack and Benny from in here?" Ruth asked after a moment, in a low tone of voice.

"It is simple," said Ciara. "We just need to find the throne room."

"Where's the throne room?" Calvin queried, scampering forwards a few steps to keep up with everyone else's longer legs. "It's probably at the middle of the place, if I know my dungeons."

"Your… dungeons?" Ruth looked confused.

"I started playing Dungeons and Dragons over the holidays," said Calvin, which explained precisely nothing to the two women. "But Hobbes is a lousy DM, and he always makes the campaigns cliché."

"Hey, last time you were DM, you killed off my paladin in the first chamber!" Hobbes exclaimed, which only served to confuse them further. "With a fire trap!"

"You could have avoided it," argued Calvin.

"The trap was in the first door I walked through! There was no other way to get into the temple!"

"You were _supposed_ to climb up to the second floor with the vines that were growing along the sides of the tower, and jump in through the window! It's not my fault if you don't think of those sorts of things."

"How was I supposed to know to climb in through the second floor window if you never even mentioned it? Or the vines?"

"Use your imagination," Calvin sniffed, and Hobbes growled.

"Right," he said decisively, "right, that's it. Next time we play Dungeons and Dragons, the first thing I'm going to do to your chaotic neutral elf warrior is throw him directly into a chamber with the reincarnation of the god of chaos himself, with no exits or ways out, and I'll rewrite your backstory so you killed the god's brother early on. And it'll be a beautiful day outside, and birds will be singing, and flowers will be blooming, and then- and _then-_ you'll have a _really_ bad time."

"I look forward to it," said Calvin cheerfully. "I bet you five cans of tuna I can think of a way out of the chamber before the god of chaos uses his special attack."

"Done," said Hobbes, and they turned to each other and shook on it. "And if you try to cheat, I'm going to throw you out of the window of the house."

"Hey, I don't cheat," Calvin began to complain, but was cut off by Ciara, who had tuned them both out around the time that they had mentioned 'paladins'.

"We are here," she said.

They all stared at the door in front of them.

"Right, then," said Ruth, and stepped forwards, pushing the door open. "Let's go."


	10. Chapter 9

The throne room was small, but very tall- with a ceiling that was nearly ten metres up.

It had a throne in the middle of it.

There were some carvings around the outside of it that looked like something out of _Lord Of The Rings,_ but that was about all there was to say about it, relatively speaking.

"What are we supposed to be looking for in here?" said Ruth, stepping up to examine the throne as Ciara shut the door behind them.

"A button," she replied cryptically, and started hunting around the outside of the room, running her hands over the carvings.

"I have some questions," Calvin announced, rather loudly. "Why do you know so much about this place? Why did you bring us here? Why is the weather on this planet so weird? Why do you speak so weirdly when everyone else around here uses normal English like normal people?"

"And what button?" Hobbes chimed in.

"This button," said Ciara, locating a rune with five lines radiating out from a common center, and pressing it.

The room began to shake.

* * *

"What are we supposed to be looking for in here?" said Jack, stepping up to examine the throne as Benny shut the door behind them.

"I have no idea," the archaeologist admitted, staring around the room. "I guess we should just start-"

The room began to shake.

* * *

"Okay, what's happening?" Ruth demanded, scrambling across the room to stand next to Ciara. "What did you do?"

Ciara grinned.

The floor in the middle of the room started to split apart into several pieces, swivelling away to allow room for a large machine to rise from the ground- tall, and covered in rows of blinking lights. Ciara crossed to it, and began to work the controls expertly.

Hobbes pounced across the room, having sensed that there was something wrong, and attempted to knock her away from the machine. Ciara sidestepped him easily and continued to work.

"You've got to teach me how to do that," Calvin breathed for a second, starstruck, and then shook himself. "Wait a second, what's that thing meant to be?"

"It's a doomsday device," said Ciara, rolling her eyes. "I'm attempting to destroy this stupid little planet and all its inhabitants. Do keep up."

"A _doomsday device?_ " Ruth yelled. "Are you _insane?_ "

Ciara turned and glared. "If I were _insane,_ then I would have let my father and all of his silly little disciples kill me at the first opportunity!" She scoffed. "Would you believe that they thought the _gods_ existed? How ridiculous is that?"

"Oh, _great,_ " Hobbes mumbled from the ground. "We've got a psychopathic atheist on our hands."

"I heard that," snapped Ciara, and her foot whipped out, kicking him in the small of the back. "Bow before your crown princess, _cat_."

The room rumbled ominously.

"Hey!" exclaimed Calvin angrily, stepping forwards. "Nobody gets to beat up Hobbes except for me!"

* * *

"Okay, what's happening?" Benny demanded, scrambling across the room to stand next to Jack.

"Why would I have any clue?" Jack exclaimed.

A portal was beginning to form in the middle of the room, similar to the one that had brought them back to this time and place originally.

"Time," Benny said. "It's shifting." She grinned. "Hey, want to jump directly into the portal with little to no regard for our personal safety?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "Bernice Summerfield, you're a terrible, terrible influence on me. Of course I want to."

They took a few steps back, and, together, ran forwards and leapt, landing in the exact same room that they had just left, but plus a large doomsday machine in the middle.

"Hey," said Jack, reorientating himself and looking around at the little gathering. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Being witness to the end of the world, apparently," said Ruth dryly, just as Calvin tried to leap at Ciara and Ciara grabbed Ruth around the waist, holding a knife to her throat.

"Back off or she gets it," Ciara hissed, in a very menacing but not entirely original way.

The room, as a whole, froze.

The rumbling from outside continued.

"Okay," said Benny. "I think we've got off on the wrong foot. We haven't done anything wrong, but you seem to think we're trying to stop you, and-" She broke off and frowned. "-wait a second, you're Ciara." She snapped her fingers, and pointed at the younger woman dramatically. "Or should I say, _Acari_ , Little Miss Fake Princess, right?"

" _Fake?_ " Ciara, or possibly Acari, snapped, tightening her grip on Ruth, pressing the knife deeper into her neck- but not quite deep enough to draw blood.

Ruth gulped.

"Get away from her," Jack barked.

Acari smiled, and pushed Ruth very suddenly onto a very particular patch of floor, slamming her hand on a button set into the machine. Ruth yelped as she was catapulted into the air, arms flailing wildly, and into the rafters.

She scrabbled for a hold on the wooden beam and succeeded in maintaining a fairly steady grip in which she was sort of half-sprawled across the centre of one of the thickest ones.

"Ruth?" Benny called upwards.

"I'm good!" she gasped, trying to regain her breath.

Down on the ground, Hobbes had got back to his feet- or paws, anyway- and was glaring at Acari. "You're the one who's making this planet tear itself apart."

"Guilty," she admitted, and turned back to working at the controls. "What about it?"

Calvin frowned. "Well… why?"

"Because I feel like it," she spat. "And this entire planet _deserves_ it. I've been working up to this for weeks. You've seen the effects already, haven't you? That's what I did from home. I messed up all of the time around Minas IV, because I'm clever enough to do it, and because-" She broke off suddenly, and her lips pressed together tightly.

"Because _what,_ " Jack said.

"Because he offered me a way off this miserable little world!" exclaimed Acari, triumphantly pushing in the last few digits to the code she was typing and hitting a green switch.

The machine began to glow.

"Who's 'he'?" Benny wondered quietly.

"You'll never find out," Acari sniffed. "There's no way to stop the activation process unless you're a genius, like me. Which none of you are."

A grin slowly began to spread across Calvin's face. "Says who?"

She turned around, and sneered at the six-year-old. "What, _you?_ A _child?_ What could you possibly know about the complex procedures behind-"

"Rifts in reality, spreading across the multiverse," he interrupted smugly. "I did my research on this, months ago, and I worked out a way to stop it happening. I know fifth-dimensional maths."

Acari was now looking slightly worried. "What's five plus twenty-two in five-D?" she shot off.

Calvin thought for a second. "Easy. One thousand, six hundred and six point two."

"Wrong," she started, but Calvin wasn't done.

"And seventeen square Rels," he concluded, smirking triumphantly.

She stared at him. "Who _are_ you?"

"Calvin the Bold," he started, about to launch into a triumphant speech on how great he was, but Benny elbowed him.

"Are you saying," she said lowly, "that you can stop this entire mess?"

"Yeah," he said. "It should take me a bit of time to rework everything from memory, but I should be able to."

"Then get going," she told him, and pushed him towards a corner, even as the planet started to twist and shake and tear itself apart. "We'll keep her back for as long as we need to."


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N: It's canon that Jack and Ruth got married, as of Big Bang Generation. Nobody seems inclined to clear up the facts as to how,exactly, this took place, so I took it upon myself to provide everyone with an explanation.**

* * *

"Paper," said Calvin, already digging out a much chewed-upon pencil from his pocket and sitting down, "quick!"

Benny prised her diary out of her pocket, and tore out some pages from the back, thrusting them at him. She dropped the diary on the ground next to where he was. "Here, take this- you might need more. I'll go try to slow her down."

Calvin was already scribbling messily down. "Got it."

Another shuddering quake shook through the room, causing the large machine that had been constructed to rattle and clatter. Dust rained down from the ceiling.

"-we _really_ don't have long," Benny concluded, and dashed off across the room, keeping low to avoid any falling debris. Her eyes locked onto Acari's, and they narrowed to dark slits. "Hey, you there!"

"Are you talking to me, _commoner?_ " Acari snapped, spitting the title like an insult. "That is no way to address the _princess._ "

"I'm beginning to think you should have died when you had a chance," Benny snapped. "Your attitude's really getting on my nerves, missy. No wonder your dad tried to off you-"

"Do _not_ talk to me about my father!" screeched Acari, abandoning her work at the machine abruptly, and spinning around to glare at the archaeologist. "He was a miserable, grovelling old man who deserved to die in the plague of locusts that swept our planet!"

"Locusts?" Jack called across the room, from where he was wrestling with the panelling of the machine. "Thought it was frogs."

Benny shot him a look. "I _told_ you it didn't translate well."

"Some help would be appreciated!" shrieked Ruth from above, who was struggling to keep a firm grip on the two beams, jutting across. The room shook, and she slipped down, barely holding on by her fingertips.

"Just a sec!" Benny called in what was probably meant to be a reassuring way. "We'll take care of the deranged wannabe princess, and then we'll get you down from there, 'kay?"

"Okay!" agreed Ruth, a bit hysterically.

" _Wannabe?_ " screamed Acari, and launched herself bodily at Benny, which was the result that she had been hoping for. They both went down to the ground like two sacks of bricks that just so happened to be tied together. "How _dare you_ -"

Benny struggled for a moment, and then got the upper hand, managing to push the younger woman off enough so that she wasn't catching the full force of the blows and slaps that were raining down upon her. "You wouldn't be so offended if it wasn't true," she panted. "Which tells me that my assumption was absolutely _correct_ -"

"Stop antagonizing the crazy human," Hobbes scolded, finishing up with disabling the top part of the machine. Calvin, in the corner, brushed a hand through his hair, glanced up at the action quickly, and bit his lip.

"Hobbes, come and help me!" he demanded, scribbling down more workings.

"Can't you do it yourself? I'm a bit busy here."

"Look, I'm trying to reinvent a formula that it originally took me _months_ to figure out, and that was only with yours and Susie's help- the least you can do is _help_ a bit!"

Hobbes shrugged, conceding the point, and nimbly leapt down, sitting next to him. The two of them put their heads together, and began to mutter quietly, working easily together like they'd been doing this sort of thing for years- which they probably had.

"I can tell you're getting annoyed at me," Benny beamed as Acari continued to scratch at her face and tried to headbutt her in the stomach, without overall success. "It might be the way that your face is slowly turning red, or the amount your pupils have dilated-" Acari struggled for a second, and then whipped out a small knife from her tunic, which she threw at Benny. The older woman dodged it easily. "-whoops, be careful with that, you might hurt yourself!- but I think the main thing that gives it away is your incoherent grunts and squeaks of anger. I took a bunch of lessons on reading body language, you know, and this is where it got me. Aren't you proud of me?"

"Burn in hell," snarled Acari, pulling out another knife and slamming it forward into Benny's shoulder.

Benny's face went pale, and she stumbled backwards with a grunt, blood pouring down her shoulder. Acari retrieved the knife, and tucked it back into her tunic with an air of satisfaction.

"Benny!" yelled Ruth, almost letting go from her risky grip on the beams. "Benny, are you all right-"

Benny breathed in and out harshly for a second or two, and then straightened up, with a grim smile on her face.

"That… wasn't…. very… _knife,_ of you," she panted. Acari froze, with an almost comical expression on her face, and Benny lunged forwards, catching her with a well-placed kick in the groin. Acari whimpered, and crumpled to the ground.

"Doesn't just work… on men," Benny said triumphantly, but she still sounded out of breath. She kicked Acari so her head slammed back onto the ground, and the ex-princess's eyes rolled back into her head, unconscious.

"Atta girl, Benny," Jack beamed, succeeding in pulling off his panel. He spat into it several times, and the electronics sizzled and died.

"Jack?" Ruth yelped, and the building rumbled again, harder this time. The beams were starting to crack.

"Just a moment, darlin'," he assured her, and bounced across the room to where Calvin and Hobbes were sitting together, working over the calculations. "How's it coming?"

"Nearly done," Hobbes said.

"Quick, what's the square root of seventy-two?" Calvin asked urgently. Hobbes leaned over, and a slightly panicked expression crossed his face.

"Leave it in root form, and add it up like that!" Jack barked. Calvin, startled, looked up at him. Jack sighed dramatically. "I worked in accounting for most of my life, just trust me on it!"

Calvin scribbled for a moment.

"Done!" he announced loudly. Benny staggered over, and snatched the sheets of paper from him.

"Let's… finish this," she wheezed, thrusting them at Hobbes. "Put them… into the… machine."

"On it," the tiger nodded, bounding to his feet and darting across the room to the control interface, pounding in the formula at the fastest speed he could manage.

"Benny," Jack said urgently, wrapping an arm underneath her arms to keep her upright. "Benny, are you all right?"

She grinned at him, but it was shaky. "Nothing… a few bandages… can't… fix…"

"You idiot," he sighed, helping her down to the ground, and pointed at Calvin. "You. Take care of her, I'm going to go get Ruth."

"About time!" yelled Ruth angrily from the ceiling, whose grip was about to slip. Jack winked up at her, and was about to bounce up to get her, when the room shook again, even more violently then before.

"The formula's in!" bellowed Hobbes from the other side of the room. "Give it a minute, and-"

The beams that Ruth had been holding onto broke. She screamed as she plummeted down to the ground, squeezing her eyes shut tightly.

And then she was flying through the air.

She opened her eyes, and Jack grinned at her as they landed on top of Acari's machine. "Hey there, gorgeous. Miss me?"

"Only a bit," she said, grinning in relief too. "The machine's off, then?"

"Yup," Jack agreed. "The planet's safe- all versions of it."

"Thank god for that."

"Yeah." Jack scratched at the back of his head, and dug into his back pocket for a moment. "Hey… I had something I wanted to ask you."

"What is it?" Ruth asked suspiciously. "It had better not be another one of your- _oh!_ "

Jack was holding out a small black box, grinning sheepishly. "Um. Marry me?"

They stood there on top of the machine for a moment, Ruth still clinging onto Jack from their jump and staring at him like he was absolutely crazy.

" _Hell yes_ ," she breathed, and grabbed him around the shoulders, pressing their heads together and snogging him quite thoroughly. Jack made a small _mmph_ sound but happily went along with it anyway.

"My _eyes,_ " Calvin complained from the ground, but they both ignored him.

After a moment, Hobbes cleared his throat. "Hey. I'm sure you're both in love and delighted and all that, but-"

Jack and Ruth continued to ignore everyone else.

"Oi!" Benny said weakly. "Bleeding to death on the floor here!"

They broke apart, still beaming at each other.

"Sorry," said Jack, completely unashamed, and gripped Ruth around the waist, bouncing them back to the floor.

"Let's get out of here, then," said Ruth cheerfully. "Might as well see what's happened to Minas IV."


	12. Chapter 11

**Okay, so this is it! This is the end of this story! I'd just like to say a big thank you to anyone who actually read this thing, since it's weird and rambl-y and doesn't really make that much sense. ^-^**

 **Also, if you haven't checked out _A Theory of Timelines,_ _A Theory of Perseverance_ or _A Theory of Darkness_ yet, please do! (if you want to. only if you want to) They're a part of this story's universe, and I'm kind of proud of them.**

 **Happy 4-13, everyone!**

 **~Kitty**

* * *

Somehow, Minas IV had turned into the rich source of archaeological information and cultural wealth that Irving had thought that Benny would enjoy before the entire fiasco had started. The spiralling architecture that dominated the city they were now in was completely different from the much simpler designs and buildings that it was before.

"Now, _this_ is more like it!" Calvin cheered enthusiastically, and even Benny managed a smile at his delight. She was currently being supported on either side by Ruth and Hobbes, while Jack was trailing behind her, just to make sure she didn't fall over backwards. They had ripped up Ruth's jacket to create a makeshift bandage, so she didn't bleed to death before they got her to a decent medical facility.

"It's certainly different," Ruth admitted. "The hovercars are a nice touch."

"Hovercars?" Calvin's head whipped around. "Oh, _cool!_ I want one!"

"Wait 'till you get your driver's license," Hobbes snorted. "I think you can wreak enough havoc on the world _without_ a futuristic flying car."

"But we could race against each other!" Calvin said imploringly.

"You can do that without a hovercar, Calvin," said Jack.

"It's so much more fun with them, though!"

Jack considered, and then a grin split across his face, the sort of grin that usually made people run screaming in the opposite direction. "Good point. Look, how about this- we'll go and steal one off the woman over there, and then we can reverse-engineer another one-"

Ruth stopped walking so she could kick him in the shins. "Jack, stop corrupting children with your insane plans."

"Benny's are worse," Jack snorted. "Did she ever tell you what happened that one time you left us alone in the White Rabbit to take Peter to that gay bar?"

"No," said Ruth curiously, just as Benny said, " _yes._ "

"You did not," Ruth protested.

"Well, if you can't remember it, that's your problem," Benny informed her, coughing a bit. "Either way… I'm not repeating the story."

"Aw, but I wanted to hear," complained Calvin.

"You really didn't," said Benny darkly.

"Yes, I did-"

" _You didn't._ "

"…I didn't," Calvin agreed hurriedly.

"Hey," said Jack to a woman who was passing by, and jerked his hand at the town hall. "There's a girl in there who tried to destroy the entire planet in all of the multiverses."

"All of the multiverses?" the woman repeated, staring.

"All of them," nodded Jack. "If you could call the police, or whatever, that'd be great."

The woman stared at them all for a moment, obviously considering if she should believe them or not, and then slowly reached for her phone and began to dial a number.

"Thanks," Ruth said. "Also, some medical attention for our friend here?"

The woman nodded, and started to talk into her phone, issuing directions to whoever was on the other end of the line.

Ruth, Jack, Calvin, Hobbes and Benny found a bench to sit on while they watched the crowds of people begin to gather around what had been the town hall. The roof was half-collapsed, which brought it to most people's attention.

"We can't go anywhere with you without it turning into an adventure, can we?" sighed Ruth after a moment, glaring accusingly at Benny.

"Hey, you love me for it," said the archaeologist, wincing as a sudden pain stabbed through her shoulder. "But honestly, this really hurts. When's the ambulance going to show up, or-"

"You called for a medic?" a man shouted, hurrying over. He was old enough to have grey hair, and was wearing a black jacket with a dark red lining. He placed the bag he was holding on the ground, and began to dig through it after a perfunctory glance at Benny's shoulder.

"You don't look much like a medic," Hobbes said suspiciously, staring at him.

"You don't look much like a human," retorted the man. He had an accent that sounded quite a lot like a Scottish one, although that, of course, was impossible. "But you don't see me griping about that, do you?"

"As long as you get me patched up, I won't complain about how you look," Benny grimaced, pulling up her shirt so the man could get better access to her wound.

"That's a deal I can get behind," he said, smiling at her, and began to expertly wrap her shoulder in clean bandages. She sat relatively still for most of the process, but when he was mostly done, she began to squirm a bit.

"Do I know you?" she asked, craning her neck to look at his face. "You seem… familiar."

"How could you know me?" he asked, raising his rather distinctive eyebrows, and pinning the final bandage in place. He injected a mild painkiller, and stepped back. "I'm just a doctor."

She frowned, and opened her mouth, about to say something, but he picked up his bag, winked at her, and walked into the crowd before he had a chance.

"Who was he?" Calvin asked.

Benny looked puzzled. "No idea."

They sat in silence for a while, just enjoying each other's company and the sunlight.

"We should probably be getting back to Legion," Ruth yawned. "Irving'll be wondering where we are and why we've just overthrown the last remaining royalty on this planet."

"He'll probably congratulate us," Benny said dryly. "He did that to his own planet once, I think."

"What about you two?" Jack asked Calvin and Hobbes lazily, before sitting bolt upright. " _Wait._ You just closed down all of the rifts on this planet. That means you can't get back home!"

Calvin gave him a long-suffering look. "We're not idiots. We wrote in a secondary code with the effect that a single portal will open in an hour or so, near the town centre. We'll use that to hop back when it does."

"Nice one," Ruth said. "Do you want us to stick around until then, or should we-"

Hobbes shrugged. "Nah, you can go if you want. We can find something to occupy ourselves."

"Great," said Jack cheerfully, standing up. "In that case, it's back to Legion for us. It was nice to meet you two."

"Actually, I think I'll stay for a bit," Benny said musingly.

"What?" Ruth demanded. "After all that?"

Benny gave a half-shrug. "This was meant to be a holiday. I'd feel cheated if I didn't get something out of it. I'll stay for a bit, look at some of the sights, and take the next shuttle home. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Ooh, you'd be surprised," Jack muttered underneath his breath. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

"God," he said. "That means Ruthie-girl and I get some alone time on the way back. It's a win-win situation, as far as I can see." He shot Ruth a saucy wink.

"Don't push it, Jack," she said flatly, and turned to Benny, giving her a careful hug. "Don't go stealing any hovercars or starting any intergalactic incidents while we're gone."

"Perish the thought," Benny grinned, and waved as Ruth and Jack disappeared into the crowds, in the direction of the Irverfield. She then looked at Calvin and Hobbes. "Let's get you two back to your own universe."

* * *

"Ten minutes," said Calvin when they got to the arranged opening point, checking his watch. "and then we'll be back home."

"Shame," said Hobbes. "I kind of like this universe."

"You've only seen one part of it," Benny reminded them, smiling. "But yeah, it's a nice little universe. I try to take care of it."

"We'll come back and visit sometime," said Calvin solemnly.

Benny laughed. "You can't- you closed all of the rifts, remember?"

"Not all of them," Hobbes corrected. "Just the ones centred around this planet."

"Yeah, the rift effect's harmless, pretty much," Calvin chimed in. "I bet you anything we can find a way to meet up with you in a few weeks."

Benny ran a hand through her hair. "Well, I'll usually be in the White Rabbit bar, on the planet Legion, so if you _do_ find a way through-"

"White Rabbit, Legion," Hobbes said, nodding. "Got it. See you soon, then."

Calvin frowned. "One question, though."

Benny raised an eyebrow. "Go ahead."

"How did you make it from wherever that portal took you to the town hall? I mean, it's not like you have some super secret teleporting powers- is it?"

Benny beamed. "Oh, _that._ I used the Guide."

"The Guide?" Hobbes repeated. "That sounds like it should have a capital letter for some reason."

"It does," Benny agreed. "It's a thing that Irving recovered a while back, and tried to hide from me because he was afraid I'd misuse it. But I went and stole it anyway because he's an annoying git. I made a copy of it, and put it onto my communicator here." She tapped her pocket. "Basically, it's a list of all of the major and minor gods and deities in all of the various parts of the universe. You can use it to find out how to ask them favors, like getting food and teleporting- that sort of thing. If you're clever, like me, you can find loopholes in it to get gods to do it for you without having to offer human sacrifices and all that rubbish."

"That's cool," Calvin breathed. "I want one."

"Maybe when you're older." Benny frowned. "I can only use it once a day, though, which kind of annoys me a bit. I should go and find a loophole for that sometime."

The rift opened quite abruptly- large and white and swirling in the air. Calvin shrugged. "That's our cue."

"It was fun, but we really must be going home," Hobbes said. "Calvin's parents will be wondering where we are."

"Wait," Benny said suddenly. "My diary! Where is it?"

"Oh, darn," Calvin said, eyes widening. "I left it in the town hall! We can go get it-"

"Don't worry, I can do it," Benny cut across him hurriedly. "Just get through. See you two later!"

"Bye!" Calvin and Hobbes chorused together, and they turned, and jumped through the rift.

There was a sound like milk being sucked through a straw, and it closed behind them, leaving only a slight smell of ozone in the air.

* * *

Benny hurried into the slightly smoking wreckage of the town hall, wincing as she brushed past some people, jostling her injured shoulder. She sank down to her knees, digging through the rubble for anything that vaguely resembled her diary.

"Come on, come _on,_ " she muttered under her breath, gritting her teeth. "You've got to be here _somewhere…_ "

After a full search of the room, and then a second search just to make sure that she hadn't missed anything, Benny was forced to conclude that there was no sign of it, anywhere.

"Oh, goddess," she hissed, and sank against the wall. "Oh, bugger, bugger, _bugger,_ cruk, cruk, crukkity _cruk-_ " She closed her eyes tightly, and tried to think of some appropriately explicit words to express her feelings. "Where the hell could it have gone?"

A breeze tickled lightly at her face, brushing her hair to and fro.

Benny opened her eyes, and stared at the rift that had opened in front of her.

"Crukking typical," she said flatly, with no trace of surprise whatsoever. "Bloody buggering crukking _typical._ I can't catch a break, can I?"

 _No,_ the rift seemed to say, without moving or changing, _you can't, can you?_

And then it sucked her up, pulling her into it with a sound like a ten-year-old kid slurping the last dregs of milk, and neatly folded itself away, until there was no trace of it, or her, ever having been there.

* * *

Snow.

Lots of snow.

Lots and lots of snow, and she was buried headfirst in it.

Cursing, Benny pulled herself out of a pile of cold white crystalized water, and surveyed her surroundings. It was, predominantly, white. White as far as the eye could see. She wrapped her arms around herself, noting absently that, yes, she was already shivering. That really wasn't good.

She pulled out her communications device from her pocket, and crouched down, trying to preserve body heat. She tapped in Irving's number quickly, and waited for someone to pick up.

After a couple of minutes, a frowny face that was probably meant to be cute and comical popped up onto the screen. _Your call could not be connected,_ chirped a computer-generated voice. _Please check the number and try again._

"Damn," Benny muttered, and keyed in the number again.

 _Your call could not be connected. Please check the number and try again._

Benny pursued her lips, and tried again, using the Irverfield's number this time.

 _Your call could not be connected. Please check the number and-_

"Oh, shut _up,_ " she hissed bitterly, shoving the device back into her pocket, and glancing around. There were no obvious landmarks anywhere within sight, so it would be easy to get lost. She shivered convulsively, wishing that she was wearing something a bit heavier than the thin jacket that was currently gathering icicles and not doing much good at all.

She looked up, picked a direction, and started to walk into the whiteness.

An hour passed.

It was getting harder and harder to walk. Benny's feet were dragging in the snow and she had stopped shivering, which really wasn't good.

She stopped for a second, and tried the communicator again, typing the number carefully with numb fingers.

It rang once, twice, three times, but the annoying computer-generated message didn't pick up this time. Instead, it went straight to voicemail.

 _"You have reached Irving's private line,_ " said a familiar voice. " _Please leave a message after the beep, and if it's not too ridiculous and I'm not too busy keeping Benny out of trouble-_ "

" _Oi!_ " called her own voice in the background of the recording, and the recording of Irving let out a light chuckle.

"- _then I'll get back to you._ "

The communicator beeped, and Benny stood in the snow, staring down at it.

 _I'm going to die here,_ she thought dully.

"Um," she said aloud, surprised at how weak her voice sounded. "I'm stranded. A bit. And. Um. You aren't picking up, so I guess you're… busy; I really hope it's something important. I'd hate to die just because you're doing… shopping, or something." She bit back hysterical laughter, because she knew that Irving probably wouldn't appreciate that whenever he checked his voicemail. "Anyway. I'm probably not making it back, and- well. I just wanted to tell you." She swallowed, hard. "Tell Peter I love him, please? And-" She cut herself off, shaking her head. "Nevermind. Just- you weren't really as much of a git as I said you were. I mean, you were, _sometimes,_ but-"

Benny paused, again.

"I'm rambling again, aren't I?" she said softly, almost to herself, and looked out into the featureless white void. She swallowed again. "I hope… I hope you miss me, I guess." She closed her eyes, not really feeling anything. Just blankness. "Goodbye, Irving."

She raised a finger, and very carefully touched the 'end call' button, before sitting down heavily in the snow. It really wasn't that cold, now that she came to think about it. Although that might just have been because she was freezing already. Snowflakes whipped at her face, tangling through her hair and getting onto her eyelashes.

All in all, it wasn't a bad way to die.


	13. Chapter 12

**AHAHAHAHA YOU REALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END**

 **WELL I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU**

* * *

A red double-decker bus was parked over the next hill of snow, just out of Benny's sight, if she had bothered to look. This red double-decker bus was, to be perfectly precise, the number 22 to Putney Common, and would have probably looked more at home roaming the streets of London rather than sitting in the middle of a field of snow, but there it was and it was staying there for the time being.

The owner of the bus was known by a large many names, including but not limited to; Lilith, The Trans-temporal Adventuress, Not Quite A Time Lady, the Goddess of Inebriation, and by one man in particular, 'That Mad Bat With The Silly Hats Who Won't Stop Trying To Marry Me At The First Opportunity (and I really wish she'd stop)'.

To normal people, though, she was known as Iris WIldthyme.

(And she wasn't really _that_ mad- just a bit angry, sometimes, and only when someone stole her supply of gin.)

The bus- slightly smaller on the inside, but still crammed full of everything that you could possibly imagine and some things that you couldn't- was currently making very strange noises that could be possibly interpreted as irritated nagging, if you happened to speak the ancient and honourable language of Red Time Travelling Bus.

"Alright, alright, I'm goin'!" Iris snapped, stumbling out of the doors of the bus, which snapped shutting irritably behind her. " _Honestly,_ you'd think that someone was _dying_ out here!"

The bus honked in a very particular way, and its lights shut off and then on again.

"What was that?" Iris said with a raised eyebrow. She tugged her misshapen red hat tighter over her head. "Someone _is_ dyin'?" She bit her lip. "Oh dear. Someone I know?"

The bus honked again.

Iris turned, and bustled off into the snow, a smear of bright red and leopardskin print against the stark white landscape, making a variety of worried and loud 'oh dear' noises as she went.

"Blimey, it's white out here," she grumbled mildly, trudging forwards. "What a place to freeze t' death in… yoo-hoo! Anyone out there?" She paused, letting the sound of her voice echo back to her through the sound of the howling wind, then frowned. There was no response.

She climbed a snowy hill within a matter of minutes, and stood at the top, staring down at the landscape- categorizing it. White. White. More white.

A brush of black.

Iris practically fell down the hill, her rather fashionable heels not exactly helping in the terrain that she was currently in.

She stopped in front of the person who was lying on the ground. "Oh," she said softly, and bent down on her knees, quickly pulling Benny out of the snow. She didn't look good at all. Her lips were a pale shade of blue, and her hands were icy to the touch. "Oh, _no_ , no, _no-_ Benny? Bernice, lovey, can you hear me?"

Benny's eyelashes fluttered, but apart from that, she didn't respond.

Iris gritted her teeth, and scooped the archaeologist up, wobbling unsteadily at the extra weight. "I bet I know what happened," she muttered. "It was that absolute git of a Time Lord again, weren't it? Well, we'll be having a talk with him, won't we, Benny love? We'll put him right in his place." She stared determinedly across the snow towards where the bus was parked. "Just hang in there."

* * *

The door to the White Rabbit crashed open, and in stormed a very angry trans-temporal adventuress, her hair still dishevelled from the hurried drive over several dimensions.

"Irving bloody Braxiatel!" she screeched. "I have several very large, very meaty bones t' pick with you, ya bastard! Get your skinny arse out here now!"

Several of the bar's newer patrons shot her vaguely scared and confused glances, but Iris remained steadfast. "I still have several logic bombs left, Braxiatel! And I _will_ use them!"

A back door opened, and the owner of the pub peered out. He seemed to be holding a large sword, for some strange reason. He scanned the area for the source of the disturbance, and let out a small, rather irritated huff when his gaze came to rest on her. "Ah, Iris. I'm rather afraid that if you're looking for Bernice, you may have to wait for a while. She's currently on Minas IV, researching-"

"No, she bloody isn't!" Iris hissed. "Do ya want to know where I found her? Do you?"

Irving's lips pressed together as if he was looking at something extremely unpleasant. "I have no doubt that you'll tell me anyway."

"In the middle of a bloody snowdrift in one of the outer abandoned dimensions!" Iris erupted. "Freezing to death too, she was- it was a good job I stumbled on her, or none of us'd see her again! Well, what do you think of that, _Irving_?"

"Have you considered," he began, in what was probably meant to be a reasonable and conciliatory tone, "that the Bernice that you found… was perhaps an alternate version of her? By that, of course, I mean the one not native to this universe. It's entirely possible, with your… bus…" He glanced outside, where the aforementioned bus was parked, and his lips pressed together again.

"And what should it matter if it was?" Iris snapped. "Even _if_ she was an alternate Benny- which she _isn't,_ I checked, and shame on you for thinkin' otherwise!- I would have picked her up anyway! And are you insultin' my bus, buster?"

"I wasn't insulting your bus," Irving said, holding up his hands. "I was just remarking on how, well… _unreliable_ it is occasionally-"

"If it weren't for my beautiful big red bus, you'd have kissed your precious archaeologist good-bye, _permanently!_ I've a right mind t' not leave her here with you, and take her back to somewhere nice and _peaceful_ for a change! God knows that girl needs a break from th' trouble you constantly get her into!"

"Iris, your idea of fun is something really quite explicit that I can't voice in this bar without losing most of my customers!"

"Exactly!" she said. "She'd enjoy that!"

Irving pinched the bridge of his nose, hard. "Yes, she probably would…"

Iris fixed him with her sternest glare, and was probably about to start rant angrily at him. Fortunately for him (or possibly unfortunately, it depended on whose side you were taking), the door opened.

"Hey," said Bernice Summerfield, who was leaning heavily against the doorframe, a blanket half-wrapped around her. "I heard voices. Hope you aren't talking about me, that'd just be embarrassing."

"Benny!" Iris cried, turning around. "You're up, lovey! Good to see you on your feet, how're you feelin'?"

"Terrible," she said flatly. "I feel like I got sucked through a rift in time and space to a icy wasteland, almost froze to death, and then nearly went into shock after being warmed up too quickly- which, coincidentally, is what just happened." She scowled. "You really have no idea how to treat hypothermia, Iris."

"You did _what,_ " Irving snapped, spinning towards Iris, who had the decency to look abashed.

"Sorry, love. I skipped the class on human biology back at the Academy- probably not a good idea, now I come to think about it."

Benny smiled, but it was a bit strained. "It's fine. I'm good now."

Irving strode over to her and roughly grabbed her hand, wrapping his long fingers around hers. "You're still chilled," he said shortly. "Get to bed."

She glared at him. "I don't believe you. I'm literally forty-something years old, and you're sending me to bed like I'm a _kid._ I suppose it's time for the _grown-ups_ to talk about important things, isn't it?"

"I'm several thousand years old, and you're still in shock," he retorted. "It's not a question of how childish you are, it's more along the lines that you look like you're about to collapse."

"How sweet," Benny sniped, tugging the blanket tighter around her. "I didn't know you cared."

Irving's mouth tightened again, but he didn't say anything.

"And, well," she said, turning to Iris again. "Thanks for picking me up. It wasn't exactly pleasant out there."

"My pleasure," Iris beamed. "It's always nice to see you again, Benny love." She held out her arms and wiggled her fingers expectantly.

"Oh, no, Iris," Benny muttered. "Not _now…_ "

"Oh, come 'ere and give yer Aunty Iris a hug," Iris scoffed. "You know you want to-"

Benny rolled her eyes, but acquiesced, stepping forwards. Iris engulfed her in a rather large, enthusiastic and sloppy hug which lasted for almost a full minute until Irving coughed pointedly, and Iris withdrew.

"Sorry, I get a bit enthusiastic," she apologized, still beaming, and gave Benny a little push in the direction of the back rooms. "Go on, off t' bed with you."

"All right, all right, no need to tell me again," Benny sighed, turning away. "I know when I'm not wanted."

"Good night," Irving said.

"It's morning," retorted Benny, slamming the door behind her.

Iris raised an eyebrow and wiggled it in the general direction of where Benny had exited.

"She'll get over it," sighed Irving. "Eventually. She's rather good at that sort of thing. Now…" He glanced down at the sword that was still in his hands, and ran a hand through his slightly dishevelled hair. "I believe we have some things to talk about."

"Yes," said Iris darkly. "I rather think we do."

* * *

"I received a message," said Irving as they entered his office. He placed the sword in the umbrella stand, and sat down at his chair. "From an individual who introduced themselves as 'unleashedGenesis'. They warned me of events beyond my control and told me that I should return here for Bernice's sake." He frowned. "I assumed they were mistaken, or simply stirring up trouble for the sake of it. But as it turned out…"

"Strange," said Iris, who had almost instantly located the liquor cabinet and jimmied the lock open.

"You wouldn't happen to know who they are?"

"No clue," she said cheerfully, pouring herself a drink. "But show me the message log and I'll take a peek."

Irving pulled out his tablet, which was cracked along one edge, and tapped at it for a moment. "Here," he said, and passed it to her.

She examined the screen carefully, scrolling down. "Hm, a typin' quirk!"

"A what?"

"A typin' quirk. See, he's replaced every instance of the letter 's' with the number five," she explained, holding it up. "An' I think I might just know what species he is!"

"Do tell," said Irving, massaging his temples.

"No," Iris said decisively, causing him to look up. "If he _is_ what I think he is- and it's very likely indeed that I'm right- then tellin' you would spoil everything. And besides, it looks like he isn't trying to get too involved with you. If I'm right, he'll be more focused on another group of people to be bothered with you."

He eyed her curiously for a second. "I'll take your word for it then, I suppose. In that case… I received another message from another entity. It's on the next page."

Iris flicked her finger across the screen, and shook her head. "There's nothing here."

He sighed in a long-suffering sort of way, and reached his hand out to receive the tablet. "Let me try."

He swiped at the screen, and scowled, immediately going into the memory drive to access a backup, then practically snarled.

"What's the matter?" Iris asked.

"Somebody's playing games with me," he snapped, thrusting the device in her direction. On the screen, there were two lines of text blinking tauntingly up at them.

 _Nice try. :)_

 _-C2_

Iris grimaced down at the message. "Well, now. You've got yourself caught up in another ridiculous situation now, and no mistake." She squinted curiously at Irving, sipping at her glass of whiskey. "What were you doing in all those other universes, anyhow?"

"How did you know I was-"

"Oh, come _on,_ I could feel the echoes of disturbances in the space-time continuum _multiverses_ off! Answer the question, Braxiatel!"

He raised his eyes heavenwards. "I was… investigating."

"Investigating!" she snapped. "That sounds like a ruddy good tagline for a series of absurdist stories! What in the name of Rassilon's saggy left nipple is there to investigate!"

"There's been rifts," he said. "Across the Omniverse. You haven't noticed?"

"Of course I've noticed, but it's none of my bloody business! There's plenty of people well-equipped to deal with it, and you don't need to force yourself into their ranks."

"I know, I've been recruiting-"

" _Recruiting?_ " she shouted.

"Iris," he said tiredly, but she wasn't done.

"You don't need to recruit! Let them work with the problems themselves, and if rifts open up near your precious little pub, _then_ you can deal with them!"

"Iris, I _know-_ "

"You never know when to stop, do ya? You and your clever plot and machinations-"

"Iris!" he snapped, standing up. "I've quite literally been tortured to within an inch of my life by a being made of shadows and Time, and I really am quite tired of this! I've been sufficiently warned off, I think, and I do not intend to do any more _investigating!_ "

"Good," she huffed. "Stick to that, and you should be fine." And with that, she turned on her heel, and stalked out of the room.

"You could at least pretend to be a little sympathetic!" he yelled at her back, sinking back into his chair.

After a moment, the roar of a large red double-decker bus starting up echoed in from outside, followed by a wheezing and a groaning as it disappeared into the timestream.

Irving grunted, and let his head fall forwards into his crossed arms.

For a moment, there was silence.

"'Tortured to within an inch of your life by a being made of shadows and Time'?"

"Yes, well," Irving said quietly. "That's my life in a nutshell these days. Torture and timelines." He closed his eyes. "You really aren't helping your image as a 'kid' by listening at doors, Bernice."

"What can I say?" she said with a half-smile, stepping out from behind the door where she had been hiding. "I'm just a nosy parker. Guess it's in my blood."

"How much of that did you hear?" he asked.

"All of it. 'For my sake', really?"

"Yes," he said, too tired to argue. "I was… worried."

"You actually can be sort of sweet sometimes, Irving."

"Don't go telling anyone. You'll spoil my image."

She mimed zipping her lips. "Don't worry, I can keep a secret." She grinned. "Go on, get to bed."

He rolled his eyes. "Benny…"

"Yes, I know, you're several thousand years old and I'm still probably in shock, but you've been, in your own words, 'tortured within an inch of your life', and you look like you've been to hell and back, several times." She jerked a thumb in the direction of the door. "It's more along the lines that you look like you're about to collapse."

"Stop twisting my words back against me," he said mildly. "Give me five minutes, and I'll get some sleep."

She looked at him. "You're sure?"

"Absolutely," he confirmed. "I just have a message to send first."

She bit her lip, and glanced towards the door. "I guess I'll get some shut-eye, then. For real this time."

"Sweet dreams," he said, and she left his office, switching off the main light as she did so.

* * *

Benny stood under the dim, flickering light of the corridor, listening to the familiar sounds of the customers in the White Rabbit talking and moving around, and she smiled. It was good to be home.

Turning from the door of Irving's office, she started to walk to her room, tugging the blanket off from around her shoulders and folding it over one arm. It was emblazoned with a pattern that was supposed to depict the colors of the Time Vortex, and it almost hurt the eyes to look at.

She opened the door to her room, and stepped inside, after a quick, wary glance to the shadows.

It might have been her imagination, or a trick of the light, or just the fact that she was ridiculously tired, but…

…she could have sworn that she saw them grin at her.

 **THE END**

* * *

 **Okay, now it's really the end. :D Sorry about that, I just couldn't resist.**

 **So, some general stuff! First of all, there will be a followup to this, although I have no idea when that's going to happen. I've got a plan for it, and it'll involve several concepts and characters that I've already written about. I'm just not going to tell you who and what they are. Have fun guessing.**

 **Secondly, the other sequel to this is being written by the lovely and amazing Seska1729, and it's called 'The Q Effect', so go check that out! It's already started, and it's really good so far- a Calvin and Hobbes/Star Trek: Voyager crossover!**

 **Also, the Omniverse Event now has a Tumblr! (www dot omniverseevent dot tumblr dot com) Go check it out. Send asks, submit stuff, whatever. I've composed some music for the Event that's been posted there, too, and I'm rather proud of 'Omniversal', which has also been cross-posted to my Youtube account, in case you want to favorite/download it.**

 **Lastly, I'm really not kidding about the fact that this is the last chapter. Really. Seriously. Have I ever lied to you guys? There will be no more chapters. I'm not joking. There won't be.**

 **Signing off on the Rift Effect,**

 **~Kitty**


	14. Addendum

**ADDENDUM**

* * *

 **Draft on Irving's desk:**

 _(Memo to be sent out to all contacted universes so far.)_

STATES OF MATTERS:

1) **Primary phase**. Everything should be normal at this point. No ruptures, no chaos. Also an interphase, no monitoring required. Preparation may be necessary, depending on the situation.

2) **Secondary phase**. Slight problems may begin to arise, with concepts and items filtering through. Only very slight monitoring needed, and only if the items are larger than standard regulations (see attached sheet for more details). Preparation, if not already begun, should be started now.

3) [different handwriting] _Triphase. This is an optional phase, not all universes will be involved. If this occurs, then you should probably panic. Signs of triphase include giant squids from the Umbraverse, and_ [illegible]

Benny, please stop editing my important documents. You very well know that the Umbraverse doesn't exist.

[different handwriting] _And how would you know? You've never been there!_

3) **Tertiary phase.** This is the most important phase, in which [illegible] (I'll finish this later). Signs of this include [illegible] and [illegible]. If this phase occurs, [illegible] [different handwriting] _it's panic time._

Benny, please stop breaking into my office while I'm out. It's not polite to go through other people's offices. I respect your privacy, please extend the same courtesy to me.

[different handwriting] _You have a very nice selection of Draconian brandies. :)_

I'm installing new locks.

4) **Quaternary phase.** Concepts begin to spread [illegible] [different handwriting] _squids squids squids._

What is this strange new obsession with squids?

[different handwriting] _It's not so much an obsession as the fact that it really pisses you off. And I enjoy seeing you tear up your office trying to find out how I got in._

How _are_ you getting in?

[different handwriting] _I bribed Jack to help me, and that's all the information you're getting._

4) **Final phase.** [illegible] [different handwriting] _The squids have invaded. There is no hope._

Oh, for god's sake.

* * *

 **Invitation found in Benny's Room:**

 **YOU ARE FORMALLY INVITED TO**

 **THE WEDDING OF**

 **RUTH and JACK**

 **(both of which do not have any last names that they're prepared to share)**

 **LOCATION: The White Rabbit, Legion**

 **DATE: 4** **th** **of April**

 **FORMAL DRESS**

 **THERE WILL BE DANCING**

 **RUTH WILL BE FORCING JACK TO DANCE**

 **COME ALONG JUST TO SEE THAT, IF NOTHING ELSE**

* * *

 **Tragedy [?]** began ? ? ? **Irving Braxiatel [IB]** at 13.04

 **?:** Irving! :D

 **IB:** This isn't over yet, is it?

 **?:** Oh, of course not.

 **?:** I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

 **?:** Your arm's better! :D

 **IB:** Yes.

 **?:** Congratulations! ^-^

 **?:** Now we can play properly!

 **IB:** I can hardly contain my boundless excitement.

 **?:** You're so funny, Irving! ;)

 **IB:** You never explained exactly who you were.

 **?:** Well, if you haven't found out yet…

 **?:** Maybe you aren't supposed to know until later! :)

 **IB:** Or maybe I'm supposed to know now.

 **?:** Don't be silly, I'd know then!

 **?:** Irving…

 **?:** I'm sorry, but I need to work on something for a while!

 **IB:** Oh?

 **?:** I can't tell you about it yet, it'll ruin the surprise, silly! XP

 **?:** But it means that I can't talk with you for a while. I'll be busy talking to other people!

 **?:** I hope you don't mind too much- it's not that I've forgotten you! I'm just trying to prepare!

 **IB:** I don't mind in the least.

 **?:** ^-^ Thank you! You're amazing.

 **?:** There shouldn't be any trouble on your end for a while, I've told my pet to leave you alone for now. Let's hope he listens, right? :D

 **IB:** Yes.

 **?:** Oh! I've got to go.

 **?:** I'm a terrible girlfriend, I keep leaving in the middle of our conversations. :(

 **IB:** Girlfriend?

 **?:** :D

 **?:** Later! ^-^

 **Tragedy [?]** ceased ? ? ? **Irving Braxiatel [IB]**

* * *

 **Intercepted:**

gsv tznv  
rh  
zullg  
:W!

* * *

END

OF ACT 1


End file.
